CL's cathartic expressions....

The "Unsung Heroes"

2007-10-06T22:11:00.000+08:00

I tot I'll never blog again. But what I'm gonna say is definitely worth an entry.

I just got back from Viet 2 weeks ago. Its been a truly fruitful experience and all of us felt more blessed than being a blessing.

Lotsa interesting experiences which caught all of us by surprise (quirkiekai wld definitely say a big YES to this). I shant share too much here... if u wanna know, just come for the sharing sesion on Wed.

Anyway, the purpose of this blog is to thank the unsung heroes of the trip :P I just wanna say a big THANK YOU and pay "tribute" to the three gentlemen in the trip: Matt, James and Toon Han. I must say that they had taken very good care of the gals in the trip! Doing quite sweet and caring stuff =) .. So here are the things I want to thank them for (guys.. pls dnt cry k!! =P):

- always making sure that we have constant supply of water
- ensuring that we dnt get knocked down by the dozens of zooming motorbikes
- keeping an eye on us so that we dnt get kidnapped or robbed
- Buying huge bouquets of flowers for us (btw, flowers r really cheap in Viet.. so if u r there u shld buy some too :P)
- carrying our bags (both the small and the huge ones :P) when we are not feeling well :P
- Praying for us when we were sick
- trying to cheer us up when we are not feeling well
- entertaining us with all the jokes... although at times it's at my expense!!!!
- making sure that our finances are in good health... we nvr had to worry about making payments cos our faithful treasurers (Matt and TH) would settle that
- TH for being our faithful medic... making sure that we have all the right medicine and correct dosage of laughter to get well
- Matt for correcting my ingrish and making sure that I dnt get away with it!!
- TH for eating our speghetti so that we will not put on too much weight by the end of the trip...A BIG THANK YOU to TH!!
- special mention to Matt and James, for giving up their room and the huge bed for me and sacrificing their sleep (they had to sleep outside their room on the wooden bench) so that I wont have to die of diesel gas poisoning and be kept awake throughout the night by the junkboat's engine. Altho Matt sounded like he regretted doing it and insisted I owe him big time!! I choose to believe that he is a gentleman who do not ask for anything in return! =)
..... and the list goes on...

Special Thanks to quirkiekai as well... for being really quirkie... for tolerating my nonsense... for being really fun to be with and a nice fren to talk to... for the concerns she showed me when I was sick.. for correcting my ingrish and publicising it to the whole wide world (www.)... for letting me take the motorbike while she took the bicycle and the motorbike taxi, thereby risking her life for me....*sob*sob* THANK YOU!!!

This trip will never be the same without you guys and gal!!

THANKS FOR MAKING IT AN ENJOYABLE & MEMORABLE ONE! =)

Ps 139:23-24 ; Col 1:9-11

2007-04-07T12:43:00.000+08:00

Search me Father and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me. Reveal them to me Lord and correct me and lead me in the way everlasting. Fill me with the knowledge of Your will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding so that I may lead a life worthy of You Lord and I may please You in every way, bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of You, being strengthened with all power according to Your glorious might so that I may have great endurance and patience and joyfully give thanks to You! And my life will trully be a Hallelujah to you Lord!

In the name of Jesus, AMEN!

Held

2007-03-30T21:44:00.000+08:00

I just melt listening to this song.... It's a pretty sad song.. but yet very assuring

This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

-----------------------------

Held by Natalie Grant

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it,
let the hatred numb our sorrow.
The wise hand opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

A gift for myself!

2007-03-24T23:50:00.000+08:00

I bought a pair of blades!!!!! haha.... first step to healthy living!! toner legs and bum!! hahah..... Quite love the way it looks..... I meant the blades :)

A gift to pamper myself!!!!

Random

2007-03-20T21:25:00.000+08:00

It jus started raining all of a sudden!!! It will be great for sleeping later! : )
Ok i hv nothing much to say actually but jus tot I'll drop by to say hi...
Recently realised that my dark eye rings are getting from bad to worse.... and I dnt know wat to do abt it...must be due to the constant staring into the computer... but I cant help it. someone rescue me from my panda eyes PLEEEAASSSEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! @_@
anyway, jus wanted to say that I shld really do my bsf homework daily.... I kinda cramp everything within 2 hrs on sunday and I realised I came up with really crappy answers which I'm embarressed to even share :P... and I think I really benefit more whn I take my time to do instead of rushing it through... God seems to reveal so much more to me...
yday session was interesting. I hv a member in my group who is not so fluent in english but she is always dilligent in coming and doin her homework... at first look one may think that she may not be able to contribute much cos she seems to be young in her faith.. but I realised that her childlike faith and willingness to learn and share openly really encouraged me and put me to shame....
ok another random tot...... I puke like a merlion during the ferry ride back from batam......

ignore this random post :P

cell outing

2007-03-04T21:25:00.000+08:00

had fun for cell outing today altho initially I was dragging my feet ... :P

Feel sorry for Jeff and Aaron cos they had to lug me ard for the entire time!!! but I had good time talking to them on the trip too... somethin I cant do if I were to cycle on my own : )

Actually I r'bered taht I could cycle pretty ok when I was younger (like in sec sch). But i fell down quite badly once and developed a little bit of phobia for it for many yrs.... Altho after a while I did try to pick it up, but I never did seems to do it well or was confident enough to cycle on difficult terrains like ubin or on the road. Well, I guess its something I need to work on more..

anyway, I promise I'll improve on my cycling skills yah....

I woke up y'day, inspired to finally buy a pair of blades. haha.. yah..partly cos I didnt want the skills i picked up go to waste or to lose the skills entirely after a while.. So yah... I shall go buy a pair of blades with my bonus this year!! haha

Hope that I wont change my mind later or to have it as a white elephant at home after a while :P

The true heart of Christian Leadership

2007-02-26T23:43:00.000+08:00

Got this from Esther's Blog..... a reminder for me : )

---------------------------------------

It is interesting the debate going on over titles these days. Personally I don't pay any attention to anyone's title. I look at how they function and how much of the Lord I see in them.I am not impressed with teachings.I am not impressed with titles.I am not impressed with mens' approval.I am not impressed with someone's anointing.I am not impressed with someone's dream or vision.I am not impressed with words of knowledge, they are a tool.I am not impressed with healings. God is the healer anyway.I am not impressed with size of ministry.I am not impressed with someone's sphere of influence.

What impresses me?Paul Said "Death is at work in me that life may be at work in you."I am impressed with someone who is broken over the condition of the Lord's people.I am impressed with someone who is more concerned about seeing the people of God function in THEIR gifts, then having to administer his or her own.I am impressed when a "leader" can take correction from ANYONE! Even the world.I am impressed when I see someone gently deal with immaturity and not destroy a person over a stupid mistake.I am impressed when a person sees potential in people rather then just the failures.I am impressed when I see someone who doesn't just make friends with their own "leadership" peers, or those who can forward their ministry. But they will associate with those who are problem people and considered hopeless causes.I am impressed with someone who will go through a whole meeting not having to preach or teach, but rest in their authority in the realm of the spirit and just be a watchman, letting God be God through and to His people.I am impressed with a person who trusts God enough to trust His people.I am impressed by those who I will never know, who in the secret place of prayer gave and sacrificed in prayer and fasting for the life of another.I am impressed with someone so broken and humble they prefer to not draw attention to themselves or their own teachings, but let others be first.I am impressed when I see the character of God in someone.I am impressed when I see someone lay down their life for the sheep.

When God Spoke!

2007-02-14T23:36:00.000+08:00

From BSF:

Man has wanted to get rid of God, to push Him out of his life. In comtemporary terms he is saying, "God, I just want you to leave me alone. Take a seat on that chair over there. Shut up, and let me get on with my life as I want to live it." And so God does! Like the father of the Prodigal Son, He releases the rebellious child, permitting him to depart with all his many possessions and goods for the far country.

Isnt that what we want? It is what we think we want, but the problem is that it does not turn out as we anticipate. In fact, it turns out exactly the reverse. We think of God as a miser of happiness, keeping back from us all that would make us happy. We think that by running away from Him we will be happy, wild and free. Instead of happiness we find misery. Instead of freedom we find sin's bondage.

Prayer

2007-02-05T23:25:00.000+08:00

I have alot to write but dono where to start. 1stly, I'm quite tired... Really dono what to say about today..... think I'm feeling stress man... I know I'm stress when yday, while I was watchin Hossan Leong stand up..... half the time I was thinking about my work... how I can finish it in time...what I'm suppose to do with all the work that's waiting for me...and sadly, I cant wait to go home... so I can start clearing my work again. I had initially plan to watch the standup cos' I've been working hard for the past few weeks and I think I desperately need to relax... was looking forward to it actually.. and Iwas hoping that I'll hv an enjoyable time and not have to think about work... but i just cant help it. felt abit bad cos I think I spoil it for my frens too. So after the show I went home and continued to work until about 2 plus.. and woke up to work again 5 hrs later... I was quite worried I'll get a headache today cos that's wat I'll usu get when I dont get enough rest. Was praying hard that it wont happen to me and I'll be able to work with an alert mind. Thank God I did.

Was pretty encourage this morning when I went to office and saw the paper I wrote for my boss vetting on my table... she left a note and said that it was a good piece of work! but later in the morning... I got a hint fr my supervisor that my boss felt that there needs to be a greater sense of urgency....hai.... I know I'm abit behind time.. and I'm not v efficient with my work... but a great sense of helplessness jus hit me... esp after working late the nite before... and hearing fr her that there needs to be greater sense of urgency... oh man..... am I suppose to not sleep and work thru the nite? hai.....

sometimes I feel that I'm being handicapped by worrying too much. I would be overwhelmed by all the task entrusted to me and start worrying.... and in order not to worry too much. I distract myself by doing unimportant and easy to accomplish stuff... and I end up not finishing wat's impt.... and the vicious circle start all over again...Help help!!!

God had been really good to me for the past 4 yrs at work.... He has granted me alot of favour with my bosses and peers, gave me lotsa opportunities and blessed me in many tangible ways. However, I still feel the insecurity at work sometimes... like whether am I meeting my bosses' expectation, etc. For the past few days, I've been trying to remind myself of God's favour being poured out on me. How he had blessed me and put me at where I am now. and if he had granted me favour and placed me here... I am assured that he will not forsake me... and I will be able to overcome all these with His strength. This is the thing I'm holding on to right now... that He WILL see me thru like how He had in the past!! This is my only lifeline... my only hope!

Anyway, yday when I went out with my fren to watch the show... she suddenly shared that she went to attend the encounter weekend session at FCBC. hahaa... I was quite surprise :) She's the colleague whom I was trying to reach out too.. and for a long time... actually since I came back fr NZ... I've not had the chance to talk to her about God ... and I'm glad that there are other ppl doin that : ) Anyway, she said that the session was kinda fruitful for her.. and she was asked to continue attending .. but she had her reservation cos' she felt that she needs to know more about Christianity first.. I could tell she was very open to it liao... and I grabbed the opportunity to ask her attend Alpha!!! hahah I've been thinking of doing that since they announce that the next run is in march. I've asked her about it during the last run in Oct... but she turn me down.. this time... she said dono.. with a hint of I'll seriously consider... hahha... yipee.. haha... well... b4 I get too excited... I think I shld be more serious abt praying for her.. haha.. firstly she stays in the central area.. and coming to church for alpha every fri is gonna be a challenge for her... esp. since its happening friday!! Also, I was just thinking, I'm still doing BS with my other colleague every week... and altho I'm trying v hard to get her settle down in a CG .. I think that will still take some time... I jus hope that the timing for everything will be jus right... hopefully I'll be able to finish with the followup with her... and help her settle down in a CG by this mth.... then if my other fren is willing to attend alpha... my time will be free up to attend with her!! hehe

ok ok... all this r jus my plans.. but ultimately... God is the one who will work out everything. Really need to pray that the timing for all these things will be just right.. and that friend #1 will be able to settle down in a cg and friend #2 will be willing to attend alpha...

Yesterday it just hit me suddenly that other then prayer for my friend and Shalom.. I think I shld pray more for my family members too.. esp. my father... so yah... I shld do that... : )

You know, there are just so many things to pray for. And I think sometimes its pretty lonely being a cell leader cos' I dono who can pray for me or pray along with me... I guess peer prayer support helps but its hard to find ppl who can commit to do that..

So I figured.. I'll just appeal to random ppl who reads my blog and hope that they can pray for me and pray along with me for my friends :)

So yah.... dnt walk away without saying a prayer yah!! Tks!

2007-01-30T18:04:00.000+08:00

If the Lord has you on hold... hold on!
If the Lord has said "NO" to you... thank Him!
If the Lords is molding your heart and mind... go with His change!
If the Lord opens doors that you have asking Him to open... Praise Him!
Be blessed wherever you are in your life today! God has His hands on the situation!

His Grace is sufficient for me!

2007-01-30T17:36:00.000+08:00

Article from Heartlight:

VERSE:
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power
is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more
gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
-- 2 Corinthians 12:9

THOUGHT:
When I pray, I often catch myself simply wanting God to do what
I want, not necessarily what is best or most expedient for those
around me or for the good of the Kingdom. I don't like to hear that
God told Paul that he had asked enough about deliverance from his
problem. Instead, Paul needed to learn that God's gracious strength
and mercy were enough to sustain him even in trial. While I know I
need to learn this same lesson, it is daunting. I want God to keep
things nice and tidy for me. But then I remember I am a follower of
Christ. If I am to become like my Savior, then I have to let go of
my requirements on God's answers and open up to God's work to
redeem others through me, no matter the personal cost. Only then
can I truly know that his grace is sufficient for me!

PRAYER:
Patient and loving Shepherd, guard my heart from discouragement
in tough times and guard it from arrogance in good times. I know
that without you I have nothing that is permanent. Thanks for
giving me a permanent, steadfast hope of heaven with you, because
of your grace and strength shared with me. In the name of Jesus I
pray. Amen.

A place called Grace

2007-01-24T01:05:00.000+08:00

Just tot I'll pen down some tots that came to my mind..... I've been reminded that whatever we do.. esp as we serve God.... we should always focus on fulfilling God's agenda and not our own. Started me thinking... I wonder to myself whether have I been fulfilling God's agenda or my agenda in my service.... I guess I set out to hopefully fulfil God's agenda..... but sometimes... personal desires and agenda would creep in... e.g. I feel happy when I know that ppl r helped thru me.... and so I want to be of help to others.... is this personal agenda or fulfilling God's agenda? hahah... I think this was something that David and I spoke abt!! haha... I guess if I end up feeling unhappy if ppl dnt come to me for help... then that wld mean that I set out to fulfil my agenda... but personally, I think I'm jus glad as long as that person is taken care off... : ) I think most imptly I must keep myself focused and always remind myself that I'm merely His instrument, used by Him to do His work. The result is dependent on Him not me. If I set out to fulfil God's agenda He will empower me to bear fruit for him. If I set out to fulfil my own agenda.. I'll be using my own strength and the outcome will not be what God wants. Ok hope I'm making sense here... but anyway, I'm glad I'm reminded to always keep my focus on Him and seek to fulfil God's agenda in my life.

Been wanting to write something about Grace as well.... This has been a recurring theme for me since Dec when I started to read this book Andrew gave me a year ago... :P "What's so amazing about grace" its quite a good book and it has helped me to understand God's grace better. And when I was listening to this song by Philip, Craig and Dean: A place called grace...on the bus ride in NZ.. I almost cried....... I am jus so grateful for God to have revealed His grace to me and allowing me a taste of His goodness and grace. When I was younger, grace was more like a concept… time and time again I hear of God’s grace and sending His Son to die for my sins.. but for a long time God’s grace remains as a concept that I know but have not tasted personally.. I know its there and I know God is gracious.. but I guess at tat time it jus didn’t occur to me that I really need it… or it was that applicable to me. But God is good. He knows that I needed this personal encounter with Him so that I can truly understand his grace … The grace that I’ve heard off since young. I dono how to explain how I came to this realisation… But I guess God works in wondrous ways.. the simplest way to put it is .. I fell…. I turn my back away from him… I erred …. Maybe I was spiritually blind …. But it all seems like its part of God’s plan…. Whn I finally realise my mistake when God awaken me…. There’s nothing else I can do but to run back to him in repentance… and like wat the book says… with true repentance God will show us His grace. And the grace of God is indeed sweet!! Every time I’m reminded of what happened….. I cant help but thank God for his grace towards me and for allowing me to experience it and taste and see for myself. Its really amazing and no words can describe unless u experience it urself…

I believe for many of us who grew up as Christians since young… u may feel the same way as me …. Knowing God and His grace as a concept and not really experiencing it… afterall we do not have a dramatic testimony of conversion and stories of dramatic transformation of our life… In the past I used to feel that I’m missing out something cos I dnt hv such an experience. But God makes it happen for me in His own way .. and I’m so thankful :D

Yesterday’s BSF highlighted that…. With grace there is transformed lives… so true yah… cos’ my life was indeed transformed…. Because I’ve finally tasted His grace…. "What can I do.. but thank You… what can I do but give my life to You…but thank You and Praise You… " Help me Lord to make my life and everything I do a hallelujah to you Lord.

----------------------

A Place Called Grace – Phillips, Craig and Dean

So many years I heard it told
The story of compassion
A prodigal son who left the fold
And found no satisfaction
On my knees, Lord, I cried out to You“I’m so alone
But if there’s room in Your house for one more
I’m ready to come back home?
I know there is a place
Where arms of compassion welcome me home
Sweet mercy falls like rain
I know there’s a place called grace
So many days I’ve trusted grace
Yet I have to wonder
How many times my human strength
Has kept me from surrender
The more I learn just to lean on the cross
The more I see
When I fall, I will fall to the place
Where mercy reaches me
If it seems that my courage is strong
There’s just one reason
He’s my rock when my faith is all gone
He holds me in His arms
Gives me strength to carry on

What a week!!

2007-01-20T23:34:00.000+08:00

It's sat and I'm pretty tired..... this week had been quite busy.... busy at work and busy after work..... been out the whole week and i think it has taken its effect on me physically... haha... not to mention that my mum's also nagging at me for not eating at home. :P been meeting up with different ppl throughout the week...well not that I'm complaining.... cos I really enjoy meeting ppl and talking to them... jus that I think I need to space them out a little next time :)

Works been pretty busy lately also... my boss is assigning me more and more projects... I must say they are all quite interesting,. and I'm quite happy to be involve... but too many of the good stuff can backfire too.... all the projects need time to think, plan and strategise.... and there are just too many distractions and too many mini mini things that comes up throughout the day that makes it difficult for me to sit down and think..... Lord pls help me lord.... to make full use of the time I have.. and jus give me the wisdom to know wat to do with my projects...... help me to finish all that I need to finish on time and that my bosses will find favour in the work I do... Help me to maximise the time I have in office, help me to be effective and efficient so that I do not need to work after office hours,.. and my time can be reserve for better things..things that are of eternal value.... spending time with you, with people around me.... family and friends... ppl I wanna reach out to.... ppl who are impt to me...

Met up with sangela for BS on tue.... and I'm jus so glad that she agreed to come visit my church. I was praying in my heart throughout the BS that she'll be willing to visit and attend a CG and I'm quite happy when she made the commitment to do so on her own :) Hopefully this would be a church that she feel comfortable in and grow. Pray that she can settle down in a CG cos I dnt know how long I can meet her for indiv BS.... btw, I'm also quite glad that she's been talking to her husband about God. Think one day her husband would be moved and encouraged by her, and get back on track with God once again......

Wed was more of a relaxing time.... had a good dinner.... and nice time just chatting... at least dnt have to "work" haha.... jus chill... but later on still have to discuss a little bit abt work lah....

Thurs... met up with a group of collegues... and some ex-colleagues.... its a gd time of catching up.... really thank God for blessing me with frens like them... altho it started to get abit boring when they started discussing about their wedding plans and house reno... haha.... well I had to leave early cos I needed to go to work early and do a presentation the next morning....

Fri met up with evelyn......it was jus nice.... :) catching up once again and finding out what's been happening in one another's lives. Hearing from her reminds me of myself... the struggles I went thru in the past.... well... evelyn .. I know its not easy... cos I've been there myself.... altho it maybe of a different level.... but where are u now is definitely a familiar place to me.... I'm glad u got it straighten out and had decided to work on it.... dnt let this break time pass you by without doing what u set out to do yah.... my prayers are with u... :)

Its a tiring day at the social workers day today..... been standing the whole day... but i guess its nice to be with ppl who are of the same background and kinda speak the same lingo....

anyway, someting jus prompted me to post the testimony I wrote last yr for the sermon on mentoring..... so here it is... for those who did not hear me the last time :)

--------------------

Carol became my cell leader when I was about 16. Although later on, the CG was led by another leader, we continued to stay in touch and she would make an effort to find out how am I doing. Something I’m really thankful for.

Throughout all these years, Carol had been the one who provided me with godly counsel and emotional support. She had seen me through different seasons of my life, from “O” levels, “A” levels, Uni to working life and from making life’s difficult decisions to family crisis and spiritual ups and downs.

Although Carol had always been there for me, our mentoring relationship only started formally about 3 years ago.

At that time, I was going through a dry period of my spiritual life. Coming to church and serving God became a chore to me. I wasn’t right with God and I was slipping away but no one knew because on the surface I was the good Christian who was serving God faithfully as a cell leader. But at the back of my mind, I wanted to give up and run away from God because I was tired and feeling dry, I was on the verge of backsliding and the most dangerous thing was no one knew exactly what was happening within me.

Thankfully, God impressed upon my heart that I needed to do something about my life. I knew that God was not happy with what I’m doing and I knew I had to stop pretending I was ok. It was then that I knew I needed a mentor, someone whom I am accountable to, and someone who will keep me anchored in Christ in case I stray away. I knew that was critical because as a cell leader I knew I was accountable to the lives of my cell members. Carol was a natural choice cos’ she had always been available for me and knew me well. She saw me through that dry period and helped me got back on track and the rest was history.

One of the things I treasure most about this mentoring relationship is not that it feels good to have someone who listens but because she’s there to help me see things more clearly and this sometimes would mean telling me things that I don’t really want to hear. But I know ultimately God is showing me the right way through her. Receiving free counseling from her since she is a trained social worker is a bonus.

I’m really thankful that God had blessed me with a mentor like Carol who is available for me when I needed advice and a listening ear or a little nudge to get me back on track. Someone who covers me with prayers and keeps me on her radar screen to make sure I’m ok.

I’ve really benefited from the time she had invested in me through our mentoring relationship. The availability and genuine interest in my life that she had shown me inspired me to want to do the same for my cell members because I hope I can also be available to them when they need me and God can use my life to impact theirs.

On leave... memories of NZ

2006-12-29T11:06:00.000+08:00

Am on leave today. My last day of leave from last year's VL. hahah.. yah yah... I'm super bad at taking leave.... I still have my full 21 days VL from this year.. that means that I'll have 42 next year and plus 2 days of TO... hahah.... its been like that since the 2nd year I started work.. Think I'm super bless too. Cos' its not like I work myelf to death and have no time for leave and holidays. God just bless me with sufficient breaks and I dnt hv to take leave to go for them :) like last year's and this year's overseas conferences to Canada and NZ.

Anyway, just wanna put on record that I'm really happy that I got myself out of a course next week. hahah... its really amazing cos' I tot there's no way I can get out of it at such short notice. Its a certification course and I'm suppose to do a project and present it during the 4 days course. Its was really a heavy burden for me cos I have no idea wat to do. And since I went NZ for almost a month I missed some of the practicuum sessions and obviously I would have forgotten wat I'm suppose to do. well the down side is that I'll miss out on the opportunity to be certified.. the next round is probably another year more. But I'm not really that hard up for it anyway hhehe.... and the good side abt it is that .. I hv so much more time for myself. it was really misearable hvg to sit infront of my desk reading the notes and trying to squeeze something out 2 days ago... now with this off my mind, I could actually spend time reading.. relaxing.... surf the net... hang out with frens..... and enjoy all the gatherings that's coming up :D hahaha... Thank God for answering my prayer :)

Had wanted to blog abt my trip... but there's so much things to say tat I dono where to start with. Also, I've been telling ppl abt it and its abit tiring to recap all over again.... well I'm uploading the photos on the web now.. so I'll send u guys the link soon. Here's some of the highlights of the trip

24 Nov - 3 Dec Auckland
Arrived at NZ after a 10 hour flight. after a long night flight.. we have to look prim and proper in our blazers upon arrival.... haha... ok I shall keep my comments abt that to myself... anyway, the first few days was still pretty stressful for all of us cos we are not v familiar with one another and we do not know wat to expect and how we shld behave infront of our bosses. Afterall everyone is telling us that watever we do or say is constantly being assessed. But whatever it is, I just try to be myself and enjoy myself nevertheless.. :)

Went for a rainforest walk the next day. Well it was quite fun and interesting. Ventured into the rainforest and its nice just being away from the crowded city. For the whole day we were walking and walking up and down slopes . Was quite tiring... but I guess it was good exercise :) Trees in NZ are really huge. some of them are thousands of years old and have really huge trunks.....

Conference started the next day with opening dinner and all. Went to this Moari place for the traditional Maori welcome ceremony and Maori food. realisd that Maori really love to sing and they are really very impromptu ppl. At the end of the ceremony where some of the village heads gave speeches in Maori (no one understands!!) the host lined up in a straight line and invited everyone to rub our noses with theirs.. hahah... yes! EVERYONE. there must be at least 300 over of us!!! and each and everyone of us did it!! can u imagine if u r the one standing there rubbing ur nose with 300 over ppl one by one!!! but I must say they are v sincere ppl.... after all that rubbing of nose.... few days later.. I hv a pimple on my nose :< hahah...

The next day is the official opening ceremony and opening dinner on a floating pavilion... more Moari rituals, dance and singing. but its quite interesting lah.... quite like their war dance... although my director said that wat they were singing was all about eating u up, killing u... blabla... well afterall they are from a tribal origin. and I dnt think they actually mean it lah.. its jus part of the song and dance. although they can look quite fierce during the dance hhaah..

After the conference started its all about trying to pay attention and pick up watever learning points I can. Afterall there will definitely be discussions with the bosses after the sessions. Quite interesting actually... hearing how different and how similar we are. There are quite a number of countries who attended the conf. think about 30 plus? some are fr really small unheard of pacific island. one of the country only have 6 inmates in their system!! ahha... and the challenges they face are quite "interesting" haha.... they are worried about rising water level and flooding.. and other countries are talking abt rehab and reintegration.

Generally all of us did quite well at the conf. I guess being able to communicate well in english and mandarin is a benefit for us.. :) and we are quite good at wat we do actually.

Did a few prisons visit. was quite interesting to hear about the way they manage and their leaving condition. Just one thing to say.... the life of an inmate there is quite good!

I tink I enjoyed myself during the work part of the trip. Its nice to see the other side of my bosses.. and they are actually quite nice and fun ppl themselves :) think it will be so much easier to work with them in future.

Auckland's quite a nice place to stay. space was jus rite and there are quite alot of asians around. ppl are generally quite friendly. and its quite safe too... : )

The only thing that's not so good is having to entertain and socialise the whole time.. Its really tiring to make small talks with ppl all the time. and talk abt official stuff make friends. toasting one another. etc.. but its all quite a good learning experience. rubbing shoulders with ppl from different countries.

If u wanna know more juicy stuff tt happened during the conference... u will hv to ask me personally :)

Will write more abt my wellington trip and the rest of my holiday another day. : )

Leaving on a Jet plan

2006-11-22T00:30:00.000+08:00

Will be flying off to NZ for conference/study trip and tour on thu... Tot I'll jus blog something b4 I leave. Its gonna be a long trip for me. Will be back only on the 18 dec.. Think I'll miss home and miss church man..by the time I come back it will be Christmas. In fact I'll only b working for 4 more days cos I still need to clear my last yrs' leave..... but wat the heck, I have to tour around... else so wasted.

Was packing my luggage jus now and its really difficult to pack cos there are so many things to bring!!!!... for work and later for tour.... my luggage is gonna be heavy.. and plus hv to carry laptop, and we also hv to help carry other stuff... its really madness. The amount of gifts that we need to bring over.... I feel like a santa claus man!!

I have mix feelings abt the trip. Its gonna be stressful. Have to be on my toes 24/7.. ok maybe minus the sleeping time. Just feel that I'll have to be really careful with my words and behavior... I'll feel so restrained.. repressed... can't be myself. Really need to practice servanthood during the trip. Must be extremely totful.. I'm just praying very hard that I wont say the wrong thing... u all know how sarcastic and insensitive I can be. Well perhaps this will be good training for me.

The tot of the trip is pretty daunting to me. Quite different from last yr when I went Canada... that was more exciting cos I was on my own... dnt need to prepare anything.

now I have to present, entertain and please all the bosses... The tot of it makes me feel tired.

Well hopefully the wondeful scenery in NZ will make up for it.

Think I'll jus keep quiet if I hv nothing constructive to say durin the trip. The more things I say the more trouble I'll get myself into.

I'm also a bit concern abt the holiday after that, hope I can get along well with her on the trip. both us are quite different. Hope we will both be tolerant and patient with one another. Maybe cos' shes the artistic sorts.. and usu arty ppl have a unique temperament... well hopefully all will be fine!

R'ber me in prayer yeah.

23 Dec Flight to Auckland
29 DEc Presentation at conference
5-7 Dec on my own in Auckland

God draws straight lines with crooked sticks

2006-10-31T16:07:00.000+08:00

Article from Heartlight

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There is a medieval saying you may have heard: "God draws straight lines with crooked sticks."

Have you noticed how candid the Bible is about its heroes? It doesn't whitewash the flaws and foibles of its characters. Abraham is not only the Father of All Who Believe but the scared rabbit who puts his wife in jeopardy to save his neck. King David is not only the Man After God's Heart but the adulterer who lies and kills a man to try to keep the affair from being exposed. Peter is not only First Among Equals in the band of apostles but the frightened fisherman who denies knowing Jesus of Nazareth in his hour of need – not once, but three times. So how can these people be "saints" and "examples" to the rest of us? How are we supposed to find hope and encouragement from reading their stories? That question isn't too hard to answer.

For one thing, those stories in the Bible are about real people. And real people have weaknesses as well as strengths, bad days as well as good ones. For another, God knows everything and lies about nothing. So the Bible doesn't tell half-truths or gloss over human frailty. Finally, the full story gets told so you and I will understand that God is willing and eager to accept and include us too. The purposes of God in this world are seen through by people who have clay in their feet. Always have been. Always will be. Are you getting the picture now?

But I have met so many people who are under the impression they are hopeless or "too far gone." One woman told me there was no place in God's heart for somebody who had made as big a mess of her life as she had. A man just out of jail said he could never feel comfortable among
"decent folk." What?

Joseph had a prison record. Sarah laughed at God's promises. Jacob hurt his family by playing favorites with his kids. Naomi and Ruth were widows. Job lost everything he had ever worked for. Jeremiah was depressed and suicidal. Rahab had been a prostitute. Noah got drunk. Moses stuttered.

Are you getting the picture now? Is it dawning on you that God doesn't have to recruit perfect people (there aren't any!) and will use just about anybody who is willing to trust him? That means he can use you. You. And you. Even me.

God does some of his best work through the most unlikely people. He draws some beautifully straight lines with some of the most crooked of sticks.

All of these people we have mentioned received God's approval because of their faith, yet none of them received all that God had promised. For God had far better things in mind for us that would also benefit them, for they can't receive the prize at the end of the race until we finish the race (Hebrews 11:39-40 NLT).

Be strong and take heart!

2006-10-18T15:33:00.000+08:00

Article from Heartlight
---------------------------------

VERSE:
Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the
Lord.
-- Psalm 27:14

THOUGHT:
If there is anything we don't like to do, it's wait. Maybe that
is why God is so interested in us learning to do it! There is
something purifying about remaining strong in tough times and
remaining faithful when ill winds blow. So God gives us times of
waiting to see if our search is really for him or merely for
something new or easy.

PRAYER:
Loving Father, I know you have waited for me so many times --
for me to show my faith, repent of my sins, grow in holiness, come
to you in prayer, act more mature, give to those who cannot return
my care ... Help me as I wait for you to show me the way with my
decisions, to act to relieve my need, and to reveal your presence
in my loneliness. I really do seek you with all my heart. In Jesus'
name I pray. Amen.

When we don't mean it

2006-10-15T01:12:00.000+08:00

Are there times when u said things that u dnt mean it at all. Yupz.. that's wat I did today.. sometimes I wonder why I did that... u know like say things that are not v nice.. or make me sound really skeptical.... and then regret saying it.. cos I think others may feel that I dnt trust him.. or may feel being wronged... well... I must really learn to exercise more self-control and say things tat are edifying and encouraging .. things that will build others up and stop all the stuff that tear ppl down or discourage them... esp when I dnt even mean what I say... It serves no purpose at all... it only creates a gulf between ppl and destroy trust and relationship.

Oh Lord... guard my tongue so that whatever that comes out of it will glorify you.

Rhema vs Logos

2006-10-14T23:06:00.000+08:00

A pretty long article.. but I tot it's very insightful...

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Rhema vs Logos ... by Ps Cho Yong Gi

The spoken word has powerful creativity, and its proper use is vital to avictorious Christian life. This spoken word, however, must have a correctbasis to be truly effective. The principle for discovering the correctbasis for the spoken word is one of the most important portions of God's truth. It is concerning this topic that I want to share with you now.

Faith in God's Word: Problems and Productivity.

One day, a lady on a stretcher was carried into my office. She was paralysed from her neck down, and could not even move her fingers. As she was being carried into my office on a stretcher, I began to feel a strangesensation. It felt as if my heart was being troubled. Just as there was expectancy by the pool of Bethesda, I knew that something was going tohappen. I went beside her stretcher, and when I looked into her eyes, I realized the faith to be healed: not a dead faith, but a living faith. Itouched her forehead with my hand and said, Sister, in the name of JesusChrist, be healed. Instantly, the power of God came, and she was healed.She stood up from her stretcher, thrilled, frightened and amazed.She later came to my house bringing gifts, and after entering my study, she asked, could I please close the door? "Yes," I replied. Close the door. Then she knelt down before me, still amazed that she had been healed, and said, "Sir, please reveal yourself to me. Are you the second incarnate ofJesus?" I laughed, "Dear sister, you know that I eat three meals a day, goto the bathroom, and sleep every night. I am as human as you are, and the only way I have salvation is through Jesus Christ." The woman received such a miraculous healing that word of it instantly spread. Soon afterward, one rich woman came to the church, also being carried in by a stretcher. She had been a Christian for a long time and a deaconess in the church. She had memorized scripture after scripture regarding divine healing: "I am the Lord that healeth thee" (Exodus 15:26);"With His stripes we are healed" (Isaiah 53:5); "He Himself took our infirmities, and bore our sicknesses" (Matthew 8:17); "And these signs shall follow then that believe they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover (Mark 16:17-18). So I prayed for her with all my might, but nothing happened. Then I shouted, repeating the same prayers for healing. I used the Word of God, and I even jumped, but nothing happened. I asked her to stand up by faith. Many times she would stand, but the moment I took my hand away, she would fall down like a piece of dead wood. Then I would say,"Have more faith and stand up." Again, she would stand up, and again she would fall down. She would then claim to me that she had all the faith inthe world, but her faith never would work.I became quite depressed, and eventually she began to cry. She claimed,"Pastor, you are prejudiced. You loved that other woman so much that you healed her. But you don't really love me. So I am still sick. You are prejudiced.""Sister," I replied, "I have done everything. You saw me. I have prayed, I have cried, I have jumped, I have shouted. I did everything that a Pentecostal preacher can do, but nothing happened, and I can't understand it."

In my church, this bothersome problem of one being healed while another remains ill has not limited itself to this one situation.World famous evangelists have come to my church and enthusiastically preached, "Everyone of you is going to be healed! Everyone of you!" They poured out words of faith, and many people would receive healing. But then they would leave, receiving all the glory, and I would be left to contend with those not healed. These people would come to me, discouraged and castdown, and say, "We are not healed. God has given up on us; we are completely forgotten. Why should we continue to struggle to come to Jesus Christ and believe?" I then travailed and cried, "Why Father? Why should it be like this? God, please give me the answer, a very clear-cut answer." And He did. So now I would like to share this answer with you, and some realizations that led me to this understanding.

People think that they can believe on the Word of God. They can. But they fail to differentiate between the Word of God which gives general knowledge about God, and the Word of God which God uses to impart faith about specific circumstances into a man's heart. It is this latter type of faith which brings miracles. In the Greek language there are two different words for "word", logos and rhema. The world was created by the Word, logos, of God. Logos is the general Word of God, stretching from Genesis to Revelation, for all these books directly or indirectly tell about the Word, Jesus Christ. By reading the logos from Genesis to Revelation, you can receive all the knowledge you need to know about God and His promises; but just by reading you do not receive faith. You have received knowledge and understanding about God, but you do not receive faith. Romans 10:17 shows us that the material used tobuild faith is more than just reading God's Word: "Faith comes by hearing,and hearing by the Word of God." In this scripture, "word" is not logos, but rhema. Faith specifically comes by hearing the rhema. In his Greek lexicon, Dr Ironside has defined logos as "the said Word of God," and rhema as "the saying Word of God." Many scholars define this action of rhema as being the Holy Spirit using a few verses of scripture and quickening it personally to one individual person.

Here is my definition of rhema: rhema is a specific word to a specific person in a specific situation. Once in Korea a lady by the name of Yun Hae Kyung had a tremendous youth meeting on Samgak Mountain. She had a great ministry. When she stood up and people came forward, they would fall down, slain under the power of the Holy Spirit. Many young people would flock to her meeting, and when she held a youth campaign on Samgak Mountain, thousands of young people came to join in. During the week of the youth campaign it rained heavily, and all the rivers overflowed. A group of young people wanted to go to the town on the opposite side of the river, where the meetings were being held. But when they came to the bank of the river, it was flooded. There was not a bridge or a boat to be seen, and most of them became discouraged. But three girls got together and said, "Why can't we just wade through the water? Peter walked on the water, and Peter's God is our God, Peter's Jesus is ourJesus, and Peter's faith is our faith. Peter believed, and we should do all the more. We are going to go over this river!" The river was completely flooded, but these three girls knelt down and held hands together, quoting the scriptures containing the story of Peter walking on the water, and they claimed they could believe in the same way. Then, in the sight of the restof their group, they shouted and began to wade through the water.Immediately, they were swept away by an angry flood, and after three days,their dead bodies were found in the open sea.This incident caused repercussions throughout Korea. Non-Christian newspapers carried the story, making headlines of it: "Their God Could Not Save Them"; "Why Did God Not Answer Their Prayer of Faith?" So unbelievers had a real heyday as a result of this occurrence, and the Christian church experienced a slump, feeling depressed and discouraged, having no adequate answer. This became a topic of discussion all over Korea, and many previously good Christians lost their faith. They would say, "These girls believed exactly as our ministers have taught: they exercised their faith. From the platform our pastors constantly urge the people to boldly exercise their faith in the Word of God. These girls did just that, so why didn't God answer? Jehovah God must not be a living God. This must just be a formalistic religion we have been involved in." What kind of answer would you give to these people? Those girls have believed. They had exercised faith based on the Word of God. But God had no reason to support their faith. Peter never walked on the water because of logos, which gives general knowledge about God. Peter required that Christ give a specific word to him: Peter asked, "Lord, if you are Jesus, command me to come." Jesus replied, "Come. "The word Christ gave to Peter was not logos, but rhema. He gave a specific word, "Come", to a specific person,Peter, in a specific situation, a storm. Rhema brings faith. Faith comes byhearing and hearing by rhema. Peter never walked on the water by knowledgeof God alone. Peter had rhema. But these girls had only logos, a general knowledge of God, and in this case, the working of God through Peter. They exercised human faith on logos: that was their mistake. God, therefore, had no responsibility to support their faith, and the difference between the way these girls exercised faith and the way Peter exercised faith is as the difference between night and day.

Two years ago, two Bible school graduates failed completely in their first venture into the ministry. These two fellows had been disciples of mine.They listened to my lectures, they came to my church and learned in concept the principles of faith. They began their first venture into the ministry with what seemed to be a great deal of faith, clinging to such scriptures as: "Open your mouth wide and I will fill it" (Psalm 81:10); "If ye ask anything in My name, I will do it" (John 14:14). They went to a bank and made a large loan. Then they went to a rich man and made another large loan. With this money they bought land and built a beautiful sanctuary , without even having a congregation. They began preaching, expecting the people to flock in by the hundreds, and their debts to be paid; but nothing like that happened. One of these young ministers had borrowed approximately$30,000, the other about $50,000, Soon their creditors came to collect their payments, and these young men were cornered in a terrible situation, arriving at a point where they were near to losing their faith in God. Then they both came to me.They cried, "Pastor Cho, why is your God and our God different? You started with $2,500, and now you have completed a five million dollar project. We went out and built things which cost only a total of $80,000. Why wouldn't God answer us? We believed in the same God, and we exercised the same faith. So why hasn't He answered?" Then they started quoting scriptures containing promises from the Old Testament and New Testament, adding, "We did exactly as you taught and we failed." Then I replied, "I am glad that you have failed after hearing my word. Surely you are my disciples, but you have not been the disciples of Jesus Christ. You misunderstood my teachings. I started my church because of rhema, not just logos. God spoke clearly to my heart, saying, "Rise up, go out and build a church which will seat 10,000 people. God imparted His faith to my heart, and I went out and a miracle occurred. But you went out just with logos, a general knowledge about God and His faith. God therefore has no responsibility to supportyou, even though your ministry was for the Lord Jesus Christ. "Brothers and sisters, through logos you can know God. You can gain understanding and knowledge about Him. But logos does not always become rhema. Suppose a sick man were to have gone to the pool of Bethesda and said to those around it, "You foolish fellows, why are you waiting here?This is always the same pool in the same location with the same water. Whyshould we wait here day after day? I'm just going to jump in to wash myself." Then he might have dived in and washed himself. But if he were to come out of the water, he might not have been healed. It was only after the angel of the Lord came and troubled the water that the people could jump in, wash, and be healed. Yet, it was the same pool of Bethesda, at the same location, with the same water. Only when the water was troubled by God's angel could a miracle occur. Rhema is produced out of logos. Logos is like the pool of Bethesda. You may listen to the Word of God and you may study the Bible, but only when the Holy Spirit comes and quickens a scripture or scriptures to your heart, burning them in your soul and letting you knowthat they apply directly to your specific situation, does logos become rhema. Logos is given to everybody. Logos is common to Koreans, Europeans,Africans and Americans. It is given to all so that they may gain knowledge about God; but rhema is not given to everyone. Rhema is given to that specific person who is waiting upon the Lord until the Holy Spirit quickens logos into rhema. If you never have time to wait upon the Lord, then the Lord can never come and quicken the needed scripture to your heart. This is a busy age. People come to church and are entertained. They hear a short sermon and are dismissed, without having any time of waiting upon the Lord.They get the logos, but since they do not receive rhema, they miss out on seeing the miraculous workings of God, and begin to doubt His power. People must come to the main sanctuary, listen attentively to the preacher, and wait upon the Lord. But they do not come and listen prayerfully to the preacher, waiting upon the Lord to receive rhema; therefore, they cannot receive the faith they need for the solutions to their problems. Their knowledge of the Bible increases as their problems increase, and though they come to church, nothing happens. So they begin to fall away and lose faith.

Another problem with many churches in this active age is that ministers are busy with too many matters. They spend hours and hours as a janitor,financier, constructor, and contractor, going in a hundred differentdirections. By Saturday, they are so tired that they fumble around trying to find some logos to preach on. They are so tired that they have no timeto wait upon the Lord, no time to change the green grass into white milk.Their congregations are simply fed grass, and not given the milk of theWord. This is a grave mistake. Lay persons are not the preacher's enemies,but his friends. As did the apostles, so should the minister concentrate on prayer and the ministering of the Word of God, delegating any other type ofwork to his deacons, deaconesses and other lay leaders. I follow this pattern in my church, and I dare not go up to the platform without first waiting upon the Lord and receiving the rhema God would have me give forthat message. If I do not receive rhema, I will not go to the platform. SoI go up to Prayer Mountain on Saturday, crawl into a grotto, close thedoor, and wait there until the Holy Spirit comes and give me the needed rhema. Sometimes I stay the whole night through, during that time praying,Lord, tomorrow the people are coming with all kinds of problems sickness, disease, family problems, problems in business every type ofproblem that can be imagined. They are coming not only to hear general knowledge about You, but they are also coming to receive real solutions to their problems. If we don't give them a living faith, rhema, then they aregoing to go back home without receiving their solutions. I need to have aspecific message for specific people at a specific time. Then I wait untilGod gives me that message.When coming to the platform, I march in like a general, knowing that themessage I preach is under the anointing of the Holy Spirit. After I preach,people in the congregation come to me and say, â€œPastor, you preachedexactly the word I needed. I've got faith that my problem will be solved. This is because I helped supply to them the rhema. Brothers and sisters, we are not building a holy country club in the church; we deal rather with matters of life and death. If the pastor does not supply rhema to his people, then you have just a religious social club. In the social world already one can see organizations such as Kiwanis Clubs and Rotary Clubs, and their members pay a type of tithes, too. The churches we build should be places where people get their solutions from the Lord, receive miracles for their lives, and can gain not just knowledge about God but get to know Him in a vital way. In order to do this, the pastor must first receive rhema. Christians should be given time to wait upon the Lord, so that theHoly Spirit can have a full opportunity to deal with their lives and inspire them through the Scripture. The Holy Spirit can take Scripture, the "said Word" of God, and apply it to a person's heart, making it the "saying Word" of God. The logos then become rhema. Now I can tell you why so many people cannot receive healing. All the promises are potentially yours not literally yours. Never simply pick a promise out of God's Word and say, " Oh, this is mine; I will repeat it over and over again. This is mine, this is mine!" NO! It is potentially yours, yes, but make it yours in practical reality by waiting upon theLord. Before the Lord quickens a scripture to an individual, the Lord has many things to do. The Lord wants to cleanse your life and make you surrender to Him, the Lord will never give you promises promiscuously. As the Lord deals with you, take time to wait upon Him; confessing your sins,and surrendering your life to Him. When these conditions are met, then thepower of God comes. Your heart "like the pool of Bethesda" is troubled by a particular scripture; and you know that its promise is yours, and you have the faith to bring about the needed miracle. God's Uppermost Goal. The healing of the physical body is not the Spirit's ultimate goal. You must know where the priority lies. His ultimate goal is the healing of our souls. When God deals with you, He always deals with you through the healing of your soul. If your soul is not right with God, no amount of prayer, shouting or jumping will bring the rhema of healing to you. You must first get right with the Lord. Confess your sins, apply the blood ofJesus Christ, be saved and receive eternal life; then the Holy Spirit is going to prick your heart with a scripture of divine healing, inspire you and give you the rhema you need. But in order for this to happen, you must wait on the Lord.

Divine healing is all according to God's sovereign will. Sometimes a person receives healing instantly; another person must wait a longer time. One of our church's finest deacons became ill; this deacon gave everything to theLord, loving God, and working for the Lord in an amazing way. He was told that he had a growth inside his body and that the doctor wanted to operate.But everybody in my church knew that God was going to heal him, for he wasa tremendous saint with great faith. This was their reasoning. I prayed forhis healing. All of our then 40,000 members prayed, storming the Throne ofGrace. And that deacon claimed the healing. But nothing happened. He becameworse and worse. Eventually, he bled so badly he was carried to thehospital and operated on. Many of my members were worried, and they complained, "Where is God? Why is God treating him like this?" But I praised God, for I knew that He had some specific purpose in what was happening. When he was hospitalized in the ward he began to preach theGospel to all the people with whom he made contact. Soon the whole hospital knew that there was a living Jesus, His representative right in their hospital. The doctors, nurses, and all the patients daily became saved.Then our members rejoiced, saying, "Praise God. It was far better for him to be in the hospital than to be divinely healed immediately." God showed that His priority was the eternal healing of souls rather than the earthly healing of the physical.When there is pain and suffering, we are apt to claim deliverance. But this we should not do. If your suffering should bring about redemptive grace, or if your suffering becomes the channel for the flowing of God's grace, then your suffering has been God-appointed. If, however, your suffering becomes invalid and starts to destroy you, then this is from satan, and you should pray through and rid yourself of it.

I will relay to you one case in which God did not deliver people from their suffering. It was during the KoreanWar when 500 ministers were captured and immediately shot to death, and two thousand churches were destroyed. The Communists were vicious to the ministers. One minister's family was captured in Inchon, Korea, and theCommunist leaders put them on what they called a People's Trial. The accusers would say, "One man is guilty of causing this kind of sin, and for that kind of sin it is proper that he be punished." The only response then given would be a chorus of voices agreeing, "Yah, yah!" This time they dug a large hole, putting the pastor, his wife, and several of his children in.The leader then spoke, "Mister, all these years you mislead the people withthe superstition of the Bible. Now if you will publicly disclaim it before these people, and repent for this misdemeanor, then you, your wife, and your children will be freed. But if you persist in your superstitions, all of your family is going to be buried alive. Make a decision!" All of hischildren then blurted out, "Oh daddy! Daddy! Think of us! Daddy!" Think of it. If you were in his place, what would you do? I am the father of three children, and would almost feel like going to hell rather than see my children killed.This father was shaken. He lifted up his hand and said, "Yes, yes, I'll do it. I am going to denounce my..." But before he could finish his sentence, his wife nudged him, saying, "Daddy! Say NO!ush children," she said."Tonight we are going to have supper with the King of kings, the Lord of lords." She led them in singing "In the Sweet By and By," her husband and children following, while the Communists began to bury them. Soon the children were buried, but until the soil came up to their necks they sang,and all the people watched. God did not deliver them, but almost all ofthose people who watched this execution became Christians, many now members of my church. Through their suffering the grace of redemption flowed. God gave His only begotten Son to be crucified on the cross so that this world could be saved and redeemed. That is God's uppermost goal the redemption of souls. So when you desire divine healing, or an answer from above,always focus through the lenses of the uppermost goal, the redeeming of souls. If you see that your suffering brings about more redemption than your healing, then do not ask for deliverance, but ask God to give you strength to persevere. To discern between suffering brought by satan that God would rather deliver, and suffering that God would use to bring about the flow of redemptive grace, is not always easy. To make this kind of decision you need to wait upon the Lord, and to know the will of the Lord. Do not become discouraged, and go around receiving prayer from one famous evangelist and then another. But through your prayer, fasting and faith,let God show you His will. When the Holy Spirit quickens the logos ofscripture to you, a miraculous faith is imparted to your heart. You know that the scripture no longer belongs to the "said word" of God, but is instantly the "saying word" of God for you. You must then stand upon that word, and go ahead and do it, even though your life is pitch dark, once you receive the rhema do not be frightened. Just go ahead and walk on the water, and you will see a miracle.Be careful, however, not to move ahead of God. Many people do move ahead of God, even as did Paul, in his eagerness to bring the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ had commanded that we go to the ends of the world and preach the Gospel; so Paul went out on the logos, and headed for Asia. But the Spirit of Jesus Christ did not permit him to go there. Then Paul said, "I will go to Bithynia." But again the Spirit of the Lord said, "NO" Paul and his company then went down to Troas, an unknown city. We can imagine his wanderings there, that he was confused, thinking to himself, I was obeying the command of Jesus. Jesus said to go to the ends of the world and preach the Gospel. Why am I such a failure? But as he was praying and waiting upon the Lord, he received the rhema, and a man from Macedonia appeared in a vision and said, Come into Macedonia and help us! So he took a boat and crossed over to Europe. Though Paul's example we can again see the difference between logos and rhema.

Receiving Rhema

People have come to me and commented, "Brother Cho, I can pray through about the various promises from the scriptures, and I can wait until the Holy Spirit quickens and applies them to me. But how can I get rhema about choosing a husband, or a wife? I read all the scriptures, but the Bible does not say whether I should go marry Elizabeth, Mary or Joan. How can I get the rhema about this? Also, the Bible does not say that you should go and live in Lakeland, Los Angeles, or in some northern area. How can I receive God' s will about that?" These are legitimate questions. Let me show you the five steps I use to get the rhema about these types of questions.

Neutral Gear. The first step is to put myself in neutral gear, not forward or backward, but completely calm in my heart. Then I wait upon the Lord, saying, "Lord, I'm here, I will listen to your voice. If you say "yes", Iwill go; if you say "no", I'm not going. I don't wish to make decisions for my own benefit, but to decide according to your desire. Whether it becomes good for me, or bad for me, I'm ready to accept your guidance. With this attitude I wait upon the Lord. Many times the best action to take is to fast and pray, for if you eat too much you get so tired that you cannot pray. Then, if you know that you are really calmed down, you come to the second step.

Divine Desire. The second thing I do is ask the Lord to reveal His will though my desires. God always comes to you through your sanctified desire. "Delight thyself also in the Lord; and He shall give thee the desires ofthine heart" (Psalm 37:4). "The desire of the righteous shall be granted" (Proverbs 10:24). "What things so ever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them" (Mark 11:24). Desire, then, is oneof God's focusing points. Moreover, Philippians 2:13 reads, For it is God which worketh in you, both to will and to do of His good pleasure. Through the Holy Spirit God puts in your heart the desire, making you to will to do His will. So pray to the Lord, "Lord, now give me the desire according toYour will." Pray through and wait upon the Lord until God gives you divine desire. As you pray many desires, beautiful desires, will probably flow in. In your praying, then, also have the patience to wait for God's desire to settle in. Do not stand up and say, "Oh, I've got everything, and rush away. Wait upon the Lord a little longer. Desires can be given from satan,from your own spirit, or from the Holy Spirit. Time is always the test. If you wait patiently your own desire and desires from satan will become increasingly weaker, but the desire from the Holy Spirit becomes stronger and stronger. So wait, and receive the divine desire.Scriptural Screening.

After my desire becomes very clear-cut, then I proceed to step three: I compare this desire with Biblical teaching. One day a lady came up to me. All excited, she said, "Oh, Pastor Cho, I amgoing to support your ministry with a large amount of money." "Praise God," I exclaimed. "Have a seat and tell me about this." She explained, "I have a fantastic desire to go into business. This business deal is going on, and if I join in I think I can make big money."What kind of business is it?" I asked. She replied, I have a burning desire to get a monopoly on the cigarette business. Tobacco, you know." "Forget about it," I retorted. "ButI have the desire!" she said. "The burning desire, just like you've preached about." "That desire is from your own flesh," I replied. "Have you ever gone through the Bible to see if what you would be doing is scriptural? Your desire must be screened through the scripture," I instructed her. "The Bible says that you are the temple of the Holy Spirit(1 Corinthians 6:19). If God ever wanted His people to smoke, then He would have made our noses differently. Smoke stacks are supposed to be openupward to the sky, and not downward. Think about the nose; it is not pointing upward, but downward. God did not purpose that people smoke,because our smoke stacks are upside down. The Holy Spirit's dwelling is your body. If you pollute it with smoke, then you are polluting the temple of the Holy Spirit with smoke. Your desire is out of the will of God. It would be best if you just forget about this new business. One man came to me and said, "Pastor, I've struck up a friendship with a beautiful woman, a widow. She is sweet, beautiful and wonderful, and when I pray, I have a burning desire to marry her. But I also have my wife and children." "Look," I replied, "you forget about this, because it's from the devil." "Oh, no,no. This is not from the devil," he disagreed. "When I prayed the Holy Spirit spoke in my heart and told me that my original wife was not exactly the right kind of rib to fit into my side. My present wife is always a thorn in my flesh. The Holy Spirit spoke and said that this widow is my lost rib, which will fit exactly into my side." I told him, "That is not from the Holy Spirit. That's from the devil's spirit." Many people make this kind of mistake. If they pray against the written Word of God, then the devil will speak. The Holy Spirit will never contradict God's writtenWord. That man did not listen to me, and he divorced his wife and he married that widow. He is now of all men the most miserable. He found out that his second rib was even worse than his first. So all our desires should be carefully screened with Scripture. If you do not have the self-confidence to do this yourself, then go to your minister or pastor.A Beckoning Signal.

After I screen my desire through the written Word, the teachings of God, then I am ready for step four: to ask God for a beckoning signal from my circumstances. If God truly has spoken to your heart, then He is bound to give you a signal from the outside external world. When Elijah prayed seven times for rain, he received a signal from the eastern sky a patch as large as a man's fist, a cloud, appeared. Gideon also provides us with an example, for he, too, asked for a sign. And God would always show me a sign from my circumstances; sometimes this sign is verysmall, but it still was a sign.

Divine Timing. After I have received a sign, then I take the final step: I pray until I know God's timing. God's timing is different from our timing.You must pray until you have a real peace, for peace is like the chief umpire. If, after you pray, you still feel a restlessness in your spirit,then the timing is not proper. That means there is still a red light; so keep praying and waiting. When the red light is switched off and you see the green light, peace will come into your heart. Then you should jump upand go. Go then with full speed, with God's blessings and God's rhema.Miracle after miracle will follow you.All though life I have carried out and conducted my business by using thesefive steps. So far God has always confirmed this way of walking with signsand miracles following. These results must show clearly the difference between logos and rhema. In the future you need no longer be confused aboutthe promises of God. No amount of claiming, travailing, jumping, or shrieking will convince Him. God is going to convince you Himself byimparting His faith into your heart. The English translation of Mark11:22-23 says that you should have faith in God and then you would be ableto command a mountain to be removed and cast into the sea. The Greek,however, says that you should have the faith of God. How can you have the faith of God? When you receive the rhema the faith given is not your own; it is imparted faith that God has given you. After receiving this imparted faith, then you can command mountains to be removed. Without receiving God's faith you cannot do this. If for no other reasons, you should carefully study the Bible Genesis to Revelation in order to give theHoly Spirit the material with which He needs to work. Then when you wait upon the Lord, the Holy Spirit will impart His faith to you. Great miracles will follow you as you act on this faith, miracles in your ministry and inyour home. So wait upon the Lord; never consider it a waste of time. WhenGod speaks to your heart He can in one second do far greater things thanyou could do in one entire year. Wait upon the Lord, and you will see great things accomplished.

3 to the power of 3

2006-10-13T00:31:00.001+08:00

I'm super tired... but I tot I'll jus blog this before I forget.. today (12 Oct) is my 3 to the power of 3 th birthday. haha... sounds scary huh.... but nvm... I dnt feel like my age at all... I feel that I jus got out of school and had just started work... ok ok... haha... I bet alot of ppl are asking me to wake up!!

Today I took leave and I must say it had been a good day.

I wanted to start off the day with God and so I kinda pulled myself out of bed and went to the reservoir for a morning jog. I'm pretty pls with myself for doing that.. haha... If I dnt r'ber wrongly, the last time I had a morning jog was when I was in JC!!! hahaha.. that must be 9 years ago.. haaha... since then, I was never able to find enough motivation to get myself out of bed early enough for a jog.. well, I had quite a gd time... sweating it out, praising and worshiping God, talking to him and hearing from him... So I kinda spent 2 hrs at the res... haha... by the time I'm done... it was almost 11am.. ahah super hot by then

Anyway, I r'bered during one of my BSF session, one of the members shared abt asking God for a wish on her bday and it came true. So I tot I'll do likewise and ask God for a birthday wish. As I search within myself what I really really want, I realise what I really desire and wish to have is wisdom from God... understanding of His word and wisdom to teach and apply it. And I ask God to help me to draw closer to Him ... that this year will not be the same in terms of my relationship with Him. This is my birthday wish!

During my time at the reservior... something interesting happened too. A blue bird appeared infront of me. And I was reminded of Joy. ahaha.. yah the gal who prayed for a sign of a blue bird to help her decide whether to go overseas. And as I was also praying for God to speak to me about something. I tot I'll pray for a sign too... I prayed that before I leave the reserviour I'll see the blue bird again... and I'll take that as a confirmation of something that God had impressed upon my heart as I read his word. I must say I was abit apprehensive about asking God for a sign like that. As I recall, I've never prayed and ask God for a sign like this. In the past it was more through God's word and godly counsel that He had spoken to me. I was unsure if I shld take this seriously... but God kinda impress about my heart that I shld have more faith in Him that he will speak to me... And true enough, I did spot the blue bird for the 2nd time!!! hahah...The feeling when I saw the blue bird a 2nd time was amazing! I was grateful that God indeed had spoken to me!!!

As there were other stuff which I was praying about... I decided to ask God to show me another sign!! That is to see the blue bird a third time... haha... u all must be thinking I'm crazy!! haha...
Well this time round I didnt see it. But God somehow assured me that ... it was not a "no"... but a "wait and I'll reveal to you in due time" ... waiting is a way of claiming God's promise and it builds up faith. I realised that if God was to answer me now... then I'll be less dependant on Him to provide. And since it wasn't exactly something urgent, I believe God will reveal to me His plan in His time. What I need to do now is to trust and have faith that He will provide. So I'll wait with expectancy!! : )

It was a good morning indeed!! : )

The rest of the day was a string of meeting up with different ppl... and it was nice catching up with them. Met up with the gal whom I was trying to reach out to for dinner. As I was concern that she may think that I'm too preachy.. I decided tat I'll not talk about God tonite unless she ask me on her own accord..... and true enough!!... She ask me what is my birthday wish!! hahah... and I shared with her what my bday wish from God was. And later she was asking if I'm free next week.. and I told her I'm going for a seminar on the book of Ecclesiastes.. I just left it at that .. but she started to ask me what is it abt... and before I cld invite her... she started to check her diary if she is free to attend!!! haha amazing... What's more interesting is... she started to ask me qns about spiritual gifts!! haahaah..... seems like I dnt hve to do much to get her interested in Christianity!! ahah.. well, I'm glad and I hope she can attend the seminar!! : )

Alrite .. that's all... tired liao...thank you all who sms to wish me happy birthday!!!! :)

Man proposes, heaven disposes

2006-10-13T00:10:00.000+08:00

Got this from a daily devotion. This is also my prayer!

VERSE:
Listen to advice and accept instruction and in the end you will be wise. Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. -- Proverbs 19:20-21

THOUGHT:
"Man proposes, heaven disposes." Most of us rush to give adviceand make grandiose plans. The Wiseman reminds us that wisdom comes from submitting to instruction for a significant period of time and then, only at the end of long listening does it come. If you arelike me, you would do much better to let your plans ripen a bitmore in the light of the Lord before you launch into them. I am comforted that James, the wisdom writer of the New Testament,reminds us that God will give that wisdom if we seek it and notdoubt. But while we pray for wisdom, let's pray also for patienceto listen to the Lord's truth in Scripture so we may recognize wisdom when it comes!

PRAYER:
Almighty God, teach me your ways and help me discern your paths for my life. I have so many plans and schemes, but I know if they are not from you, they will not stand. Lead me to your wisdom and Iwill not only seek to know it, but also seek to live it by the power supplied by your Holy Spirit. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

Working Life

2006-10-10T10:47:00.000+08:00

An email to a fren who was complaining abt work..... : )

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yah can get a bit disillusion huh.... I guess in a competitive big organisation.. its always like that ...... we hv to show results quick....

I presume FSC will be quite different....... the pressure to show results and be fast is not so high.....

Actually I dnt think this is a uniquely XXX thing.... its wat big organisations are like..... and when there's too many projects ppl get lost in it

this thing abt meaning has been something I've been asking myself for quite awhile...... I dnt exactly find great meaning in the things that I do.... whether its going back to counselling in XXX or doing staff work....

but actaully..... do u think we can squeeze a meaning out of the things we do? There are alot of ppl out there... christian or non christians who are doing more mundane work then us.... and yet... they are not as grumpy as us abt their work.....

Yesterday, when I was talking bus back from BSF... the bus driver was smiling at every passenger that went up the bus... I was quite impressed!!

There was once I ask my co leader whether he finds it meaningless to study so hard..... and always so busy rushing here and there... and he said no.. cos of the opportunities he gets to talk to his classmates abt Christ.... that sets me thinking.....

I guess when it comes to work..... being able to enjoy it is a bonus and finding meaning in it somemore... is an added bonus

If this 2 things are impt to us then I guess we shld think abt how we can persue it.. if stability and money is more impt... then we'll hv to settle for something less... its all abt choice rite :p
we'll hv to psych ourselves up to accept the choice we make cos of the things we value....

I personally hv not figure up wat I value most in terms of work.... stability, money, enjoyment, meaning.....??

hmm.... maybe we shld do a self assessment and rank them for ourselves...... its a tough question to me.....and I think it will complicate things even further if we include relationship in the equation....

but ultimately.... we have to make sure that our work brings glory to God..... I've been reminded abt this again and again.... but I know its tough to achieve taht and yet refrain fr complaining.

last fri during alpha.... nicky gumbel mentioned in his video,... that we shld not leave our work or change job jus cos we feel like it..... leave only if God calls us to somewhere else... provided that we are willing to do wat he wants us to do... It is also because... God had put us in our current job with a purpose in the first place... so the decision to leave will hv to hinge on fulfilling God's purpose in the new place.

So perhaps we shld pray for God to show us where he want us to go.... and if there's no answer..... maybe we shld jus stay put and get the best out of the situation.... from where we are.

Easy to say.. difficult to do..... its a constant struggle.... Jus some sporadic tots on a tue morning.. cos I dnt really feel like working..... today I'm late for work somemore......:P

Thanksgiving

2006-09-18T00:43:00.000+08:00

Presentation went well.. and I think my bosses appreciated the effort I put in... so that kinda made me feel better after putting in quite alot of hard work, late night, and burnt sat for this presentation...and not forgetting missing out on the farewell dinner for ming.... I still feel quite bad abt it actually... wldnt be seeing her liao cos she's flying to london soon....
Well take care my dear... and do email me yeah!

Must give credit to God for seeing me through the hectic and stressful week and saw me through the presentation...

Been praying about certain things and the post below is kinda an answer from God...

Waiting and Hoping

2006-09-18T00:24:00.000+08:00

September 17

Waiting on the Lord, Hoping in the Lord

I will wait on the LORD . . . and I will hope in Him . . . Wait on the LORD; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the LORD! . . . Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart, All you who hope in the LORD. (Isa_8:17; Psa_27:14; and Psa_31:24)
Living by waiting on the Lord offers another helpful perspective on living by grace. Waiting on the Lord is the same spiritual reality as hoping in the Lord. "I will wait on the LORD . . . and I will hope in Him." Waiting on the Lord is not merely about waiting (that is, allowing time to pass). Rather, it concerns humbly placing our hope and expectations in the Lord God as time is passing. This is what living by grace comprises (looking to the Lord to work on our behalf and within our hearts).
Waiting on the Lord (hoping in the Lord) is a privilege that is appropriate for every area of our lives. Furthermore, wondrous consequences result from hoping in our God. "Wait on the LORD; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the LORD! . . . Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart, All you who hope in the LORD." When we place our hope in the Lord (waiting for Him to work in our lives and circumstances), He brings us spiritual courage and spiritual empowering within our inner man.
Those who wait on the Lord have a distinctively different destiny than the wicked, than the evildoers. "For evildoers shall be cut off; But those who wait on the LORD, They shall inherit the earth . . . Wait on the LORD, And keep His way, And He shall exalt you to inherit the land; When the wicked are cut off, you shall see it" (Psa_37:9, Psa_37:34). Evildoers (the wicked, who have no interest in the way of salvation) end up cut off. They lose everything that they attempted to accomplish in the developing of their personal earthly kingdoms. They thought they could take over a portion of this world, which belongs to our Creator God. Instead, they lose it all. They are cut off forever from their achievements, as well from the God who made them. On the other hand, those who hope in the Lord inherit all of creation, as well as an eternal relationship with their Creator Redeemer.
Truly, "The LORD is good to those who wait for Him" (Lam_3:25). Therefore, let us "hope in the LORD; For with the LORD there is mercy, and with Him is abundant redemption" (Psa_130:7). Yes, let us "hope in the LORD from this time forth and forever" (Psa_131:3).

My Creator Redeemer, I want to live all my days waiting on You, hoping in You. What growing expectations You give me as I hope in You. I anticipate courage, inner strength, Your abundant goodness, an eternal inheritance, and (above all) an everlasting relationship with You. Praise Your name!

Difficult Times...

2006-09-13T10:44:00.000+08:00

Yesterday must be one of the most trying day of my life..... I'm currently working on a presentation to the XXX... so am pretty stress.... only given 1 week to do it. Lotsa things to look into... and there are senstive issues to be touched on.
yesterday I went for a meeting with my boss to MCYS and after the cab ride...... I was feeling nauseous... I think it was motion sickness after talking and looking at my boss during the ride.... anyway, so I was feeling very sick y'day.... vomitting a few times... but yet I can't rest.. I had to push myself to do up the slides and script for the presentation....really terrible feeling.. couldnt eat anything and yet I feel like puking all the time plus I have to work on my presentation... Manage to tahan until 2am... gave up eventhough I couldnt finish it.... came to office at 8am this morning cos have to see boss boss for the presentation....
well at least now... I'm giving myself 5 min to breath before I start working on it again... It's really a mad week for me... and I have to plan my after office hours to prepare BS, do work and go for BSF and alpha.. even sat is all packed cos of the presentation...
I just hope after this sat... things will be better...

Blessings from God.. =)

2006-09-12T00:38:00.000+08:00

Am quite tired, after a long busy day... but I tot I'll jus write this out incase I forget... Today was the last chapter of Ruth for BSF and honestly speaking, I didnt put in much thought into the HW cos I had been really busy... but God is really good cos he spoke to me abt certain things which I had kinda neglected and also reminded me abt certain things.

One of the key lessons today was how we sometimes shirk the responsibilities that was entrusted to us and consequently missed out on God's blessings. Initially I didnt think much of it cos I tot I've been taking up quite alot of responsibilities.... and it's probably time to say no to things... however, God reminded me something... just last week I receive an email from my alpha discussion leader that he will be away for business trips pretty often and might not be around most of the time. He hopes tat I'll be able to stand in for him instead. My first tot was "Oh man.... can't escape again... more work..." you see... I was hoping to be jus a spectator for alpha... and I tot my responsibility was just to be with my fren every friday.... I didnt want to have to work too hard for alpha .... and giving up my friday nites for the next 15 weeks was kinda the amount of sacrifice I'm comfortable to make... was hoping that that's all that's required of me too... but after reading the email, it doesnt seems that way anymore... although I kinda agreed to do it... I wasn't exactly very very willing... it was more like a ... "no choice rite" and "it seems like the right thing to do".... or "I have no reason to say no"... But today's lesson kinda reminded me that God could be using this opportunity to bless me... For those who are familiar with the book of Ruth, Ruth was brought before 2 kinsman redeemers... however, the closer kinsman redeemer chose not to redeem Ruth although rightfully he has the responsibility to do so according to the law. He rejected the proposal because he was afraid of losing out and "lugi".. However, he didnt realised tat he had missed out on God's blessings.
This brings me to the 2nd lessons I learned... abt how by yielding to fear cause us to lose out on God's blessings too. As I reflected on that on my way home today... I realise that sometimes I do fall into this trap but thankfully I've managed to get out of it in time... There are times when I almost end up making the wrong decisions or almost jump into things because of fear/pressure/worry/tiredness, fear of losing out... worry that if I dnt seize the opportunity now... perhaps I'll missed it... that maybe I'll jus settle for something even though I know that it may not be the best thing God has for me. Thankfully time and again... God had prompted me to wait.... wait for him in faith to bless me... Afterall, waiting is also part of claiming God's promises... we shld never succumb to fear and settle for something that fall short of the blessing God had prepared for us.

Typing this out to remind myself everytime I read it! : )

MIA

2006-09-10T22:55:00.000+08:00

hmmm.... I think one of the reason why I decided to stop blogging was cos' I realise there are things which I dnt intend to tell the whole world.... its not that I hv things to hide... but I guess there are things tt are only meant for some ppl's ears or eyes for that matter. So that's why I end up blogging mostly abt work.. which is more neutral.... but even that has become sensitive cos u never know how much info is too much...

Anyway, I was reminded today of my grandma.... maybe it's cos of the sermon or maybe it was wat someone said ... well... I'm really happy tat your grandma accepted Christ.. Indeed thank God for his grace and mercy!! and for those whose love ones are still not saved... I urge u to really pray for them... dnt wait till it is too late. It is also a reminder to me to pray for my dad and be a testimony at home.. Although he had claimed to have accepted Christ a few years back... I really wonder if he really had a relationship with Him... or maybe his relationship had come to a stand still not long after that. I jus hope that one day when he is not so busy, he will start to think more seriously abt his relationship with God... till then I jus pray that God will be merciful towards him and He will not take him away until we are sure of his salvation.

Another tot came to mind today... am wondering if I'm really feeling low cos of work or something else. Anyway, I hope things will remain the same ... sometimes I feel so sad that things have to change... that I can no longer ask ppl out without thinking abt the repercussion of doing it.... perhaps I'm in the wrong and perhaps I shld be more careful.... well I dono..

That's all for today.... anticipating another crazy week.... ok I shld be more positive.... anticipating another exciting week :)

The Return

2006-09-08T00:47:00.000+08:00

hi..... its been a really looooonnnnnggg time.... happen to pop by my blog today and I realise its been abt a year since I last blog..... well.... I guess I've been really busy.. anyway, tot I'll start again. just typing rubbish can be quite de-stresssing.. hahah
ok.... today I went for my bladding lessons... quite fun. I think I'm improving, so that quite gd.. but I fell on my butt today and it reallly hurt now.. other then that y'day I knock my thigh on the edge of a table and now it is swollen with a blue black... I feel like an abused child... with so many injuries!! hahah
ok.... life has been really busy lately... jus working and working... then also cos of the bladding.. but I do enjoy the bladding lah.. and I think in a sense... being busy actually feels better than nothing to do.. at least it keeps me going.. jus that sometimes.. I hope I can hv more time..

ok that's all for tonite.. will maybe give a summary of wat happen to me for the past 1 yr when I'm free. Cya

jus not up to it

2005-08-11T22:45:00.000+08:00

r there times whereby u jus feel u r not up to it? yup that's how I'm feeling rite now. I'm jus overwhelmed by that feeling of incompetence and the tot that I'm not up to the task. I'm questioning myself and wondering what others may think about wat I do... is that what they want? am I doing the right thing... or doing everything wrong? well I dono... I jus dont feel I'm up to it today... moody..

anyway, did I mention that I've seen the doctor 3 times in the mth of July cos of my cough? I've spent more than $100!!!! although I'm still coughing now, it was better than b4... but jus when it got better, I too a bit of ice cream and cold drinks yesterday... jus a wee bit... but here I am coughing terribly again.... am sad :O(

can someone help me with my tag board?

a lazy long weekend...

2005-08-09T12:58:00.000+08:00

ok.... one of my rare update since I dono when... its a long weekend for me since I took leave on mon... its been quite relaxing... jus lazing around at home and clearing some stuff.. and I went for a long walk cum jog at the bedok reservoir... must be at least 5km plus the distance from my home. (clap clap clap :) heheeh.... so proud of myself!! anyway, life had been ok lately... jus cruising along since the busy period. I've submitted my application to study masters of psychology at NIE but I'm not sure whether I shld take it up eventually. its my 2nd choice afterall.. ideally I would prefer to study social work overseas.. but the inertia is pulling me back. the thought of staying overseas, quitting my job and starting all over again.. is pretty scary to me.. maybe I'm jus not brave enough.. and also the money lah.. its not cheap to study overseas.. and I guess I dont want it that much to make all the sacrifices and changes to my life. So studying in Singapore and doing a psychology masters seems to be the "easier" way out. although I'm not sure if its really that easy. its gonna be tough in other sense. the tot of travellin from changi to NIE and from NIE back to bedok twice a week and to report to work much earlier without my father driving me..... that's really quite duanting to me.....well I dono... up till now I'm still not too sure why I'm going for it.. is it jus cos of the potential material gain after attaining my masters.. the prestige... or is there other reason.. wat's the purpose of all this? someone ask me recently, what's my focus in life? is it paper qualification? isit being look upon favourably at work? What will I get out of attaining my masters? is that of true value to me? I dono... I'm still trying to find out what God really want me to do. Will furthering my studies in this area help me to fulfill His purpose for me? that's quite alot of qn... and I giving myself the rest of the year to pray and ponder abt it... u nvr know... I may jus turn down the offer to study... let's see how...

oh dear

2005-08-09T12:53:00.000+08:00

oh dear!!!! I think there's something wrong with my blog!!! I cant publish just now and the stupid tag blog is not working... help help

Update Update

2005-07-10T23:04:00.000+08:00

yes yes... its been a loooooooonnnnnnngggggggg time since I last update my blog....My apologies to those who actually check on my blog and see the same old posting again and again....... well, the mth of June had been a pretty busy and exciting mth for me. As most of u may know, I was away in Canada. Its been quite an interesting experience. Attended a Forensic Conference and met up with some interesting ppl at the conference. We were the only asians in the conference and the ppl there were quite surprise to receive delegates all the way from the other end of the globe. The conference was held at midland, ontario. Its a quiet town and the hotel was situated in the middle of no where. So it was quite boring during the conference. Only manage to tour around this discovery harbour where sailors used to stay. Anyway, after travelling half way round the globe for almost 24 hrs, I felt quite sad that I didnt plan for anything else other than the conference.... So after much tots, I decided to make my way to Niagara falls on my own!... Its quite exciting actually. I booked my own accommodation through the internet at a motel 5 min away fr the falls. Check out how to travel from Midland to Niagara which is 300 Km away. On the day the conference ended, I jus left he hotel even b4 the closing speech was doned!!! hahah... well I took a bus from Midland to Berrie to Toronto and finally ended up at Niagara after 6 hrs!!! (cos of a terrible jam in Toronto). By the time I reach Niagara, its already 7 plus..... But thank goodness, the sun sets at around 9pm in Ontario... So it still seems pretty early. After I checked in, I quickly took the free shuttle to the falls that is 5 min away...... and WOW x 10 its really magnificient!!! and it so happen that I was there on a Fri when there was FIREWORKS!!! wow I jus feel so blessed!! the next day.. I woke up at 11am... hahaha.... so shiok.... no body to nag me to wake up early... the benefit of travelling alone :) anyway, I spent the whole day at niagara and jus admiriing the wonderful creation of God..... its simply marvelous....

After I came back to singapore... I receive news tat my presentation was postpone.... so that's another gd news... so I went for a weekend getaway to KL..... last fri was the presentation... Minister gave his approval to the proposal!! so that was great!! I'm jus so thankful to God for seeing this project through :)

ok... that's all for now.. will type somemore when I think of it

Away

2005-06-12T18:38:00.000+08:00

Flying off to Ontario, Canada in 5 hrs time..... well... hope everything will be smooth.. first time flying so far away on my own... will be transiting at London first then toronto.... pls keep me in prayer.. and I'll update all of u on my blog. Cheers

More to come

2005-05-31T23:40:00.000+08:00

anyway, jus to update. My presentation went well.. but now there's another bigger one coming up on 27 jun... so do continue to pray for me... this one definitely cannot gabbra... Also, I'm going Ontario, Canada for study trip. Well, was pretty excited abt it but as I go abt making arrangement,... the excitement seems to die down.. I"m gonna travel to the other end of the globe by myself... yes by myself.. back and forth... am gonna extend for 2 days.. initially was planning to visit Niagara falls which is in Ontario... but I think I'm gonna 4get abt it cos its abt 300 km away from where I'm going....will probably jus tour around midland... anyway... its really funny. I realise that the conference only last for 2.5 days... can u imagine... I actually travel close to 24 hrs x 2 to canada for a 2.5 days conference.... and I only can extend 2 days cos the following week is the big presenation... oh well, I 'll hv to make the best out of my trip..
I'm pretty.. afriad actually cos this is the 1st time i'm travelling alone and its so far some more... hope I wont end up in africa after the transit.... Pls pray for me that I'll hv a safe and smooth journey... its gonna be from 13 jun - 21 jun.. also, that all my work and the out standing issues will be settled b4 I leave. tat when I return, I'll be in the right condition to present the following mon.

Anyway, recently, I've been thinking..... hv I been using too much of my mind and not my heart... I realise tat alot of my decisions are based on my mind.... even when it comes to relationships..... I seems to follow my mind more than my heart.... dono whether is that a gd thing or bad... I guess... there's no gd or bad... but in retrospect, I wonder if following my mind had caused me to miss out on certain things in my life... that, maybe I wldnt be wat I am now if I had followed my heart.. then again... I will never know if its a good thing or not.... but I guess, God had been in control.. and he will always be

jus doodling

2005-05-21T15:40:00.000+08:00

well.... jus updating so that I dont appear too lazy... anyway, C3 shld be in desaru now.... hai.... its a pity I cant join all of u.
Anyway, my presentation is on tue... and I've reserved the weekend to rehearse and prepare myself... think its a big thing... never presented in front of so many big shots before.... well.... dono lah... I'm amazingly calm abt it though.. Its strange actually. cos' when I had to present to my director previously, I was really nervous .... for the whole week..... but for this presentation... which is even bigger..... I'm strangely calm abt it... I believe it's cos' I've been asking ppl to pray that I'll be calm for my presentation and I'll be at peace.... so I credit it to God :)
Anyway, as for now, I'm still harbouring the hope of not being asked to present... I hope that the PS will decide that a presentation will not be necessary cos they had read the paper :P
well, but my AD said that ... "sure present one lah".... well that kinda dash my hope... but I still hv 3 days to prepare..... jus pray for me that I'll hav a super good memory so that I'll be able to remember wat I wrote in my briefing notes... and I'll stay calm and i'll be able to articulate well.

ok... let me share with u something interesting yesterday.......... my office is situated 10-15 min walk away from HQ.... yesterday alone, I walk to HQ 3 times and back..... wow! quite frustrating actually... esp. the last trip. ok, here's how it goes..... at 11am: I took a ride from my colleague to HQ to submit my presentation slides to my AD and director for approval.... so afterthat, we travelled back to office in her car... so that was not tat bad.... at 1230: we went for lunch. during lunch, I receive a call from my boss.... she ask me to replace the covering min I sent with my presentation slides to "for your information" instead of "for your approval" and include the briefing notes in the file.......hai.... so at 2pm: I walked from office to HQ (AD's office) to replace the doc... had quite a long chart with my AD.... went back to office.... and when I reach office... within 5 min.. I receive a call from my director..... (this is really rare!!!! director usu. dont talk to u on the phone directly.... so that kinda freak me out!!) ... he asked me to see him now!!! Iwas like... erm... ok..... so I frantically got all the document ready thinking that he has alot of comments to make abt the slides.... and in 10 min time... I walk back to HQ (director's office) ... perspiring and all........... anyway, I apologise for keeping him waiting.....(actually I purposely said that so that he will ask me why I took so long :P) and told him that I came from the institution office....... and he was really surprise.... he said that in that case.. he shldnt hv asked me to come over...... so he gave me his comments..... and guess wat... there were only ONE comment to ONE slide lah!!!! urrrrrhhhgghhghgh........ I was like.... "huh.. that's it?!!!" and he said yah!!! ... irritating lah...... anyway, I told him that actually I was at AD's office jus awhile ago b4 I went back to my office.... I think he felt abit bad lah... so he apologise..... well so that was nice... and he tried to make some small talk before I left..... still I felt pretty stupid lah... make me rush like mad for a simple... mini comment... well... but he dono I work across the street lah... and he apologise... which my colleague was surprise to hear... so I guess.... its not his fault.... but my colleague was like " u so daring to tell him that!" hahaha.... well that's me...... :P

anway,... jus wanna share somthing that my AD was sharing with me yesterday.... his a really nice guy.... very encouraging.... he said that since God had seen this project through thus far... and if God willing he will continue to see it through.... and that we are God's instrument in making a difference in these ppl's life! wow! then he said that he always commit it to God with that in mind and ask God to help him to present with clarity and convincingly.... and lastly, if they really turn down the idea... to ask God for an open and teachable heart.... so that I can learn from this experience.... :) wow... so nice.... so I ask him to remember me in prayer and he said of cos.... so sweet lah!

anyway, he was so sweet and encouraging... he told me tat the other day.... he and director and another AD was talking and director was commenting that a paper submitted to him from HR was really bad staff work.... quite badly done... and director commented that the paper I put up is good and that the writer obviously know wat is required and wat she's doing...... so he ask who wrote it... then my ADs.. said its me :)..... so he decided to tell me and encourage me.... ehehhehe.... so nice...

ok.... last thing to share.... this is something James wanted me to put in the blog so that whoever reads it can be alerted and help me if possible.... anyway, 2 days ago I was woken up by my headache... I think its a migraine cos its one sided...... and it didnt go away even after taking panadol.... it happened to me a few times b4,.... quite strange cos.... who wakes up from a headache rite...... I've never heard of anyone like that............. headache is suppose to go away when u rest and sleep.... not wake u up in the middle of ur sleep at 4am...... well... if anyone knows wat's happening... pls enlighten and diagnose me :)

tat's all folks.

When will it be good enough?

2005-05-11T23:26:00.000+08:00

feeling pretty demoralised, disillusioned, disappointed, sad, tired, feel like giving up... well. my paper for ministry had gone through so many rounds and levels of vetting that I'm starting to feel really demoralised and disappointed with myself.... Am I that bad..... how come it never seems to be good enough.... I'm really tired with the paper now... I'm so sick of reading it that I can no longer spot the mistakes or look at it with a clear perspective... let alone try to think like a perm sec... and write in such a way that will convince him.... hai.... I'm darm xian .... I just feel that I've disappointed my bosses and caused them so much trouble hvg to vet it again and again... that day my director even ask me to his office lah.... and now it seem like I'm on 24 hrs stand by cos my bosses are calling me on my hp day and nite cos of the paper.... anyway, its due for submission by this fri... so by hook or by crook ... it has to be submitted... even if its not good enough...

After that I'll hv to worry abt the presentation to perm sec.... that's gonna be really stressful.... public speaking is not really my cup of tea.... esp infront of all the big shots...and I think there will be at least 40-50 ppl... and I'm the first presenter lah.... and I hv 1 wk to prepare...... dono how am I gonna go through this....... I've been so tight up with the paper that I've been neglecting my counselling.... not been seeing my clients for 3 wks now... and I dont see my buzyness and stress level going down until the end of the mth...... hai....... I wanna break free......Some day I'll fly away.......

Blessings.....

2005-05-02T01:10:00.000+08:00

Been feeling really blessed. Indeed, all that I am and all that I have is a result of God's grace, mercy, faithfullness and love towards me... which I totally dont deserve! As I look back right now, it seems really amazing how God had orchestrated my life and how He had brought me through different seasons of my life.. I totally dont deserve it....

The worm song :)

2005-04-24T22:18:00.000+08:00

happy happy joy joy says:
anyway did i tell you the worm song?!

stepping out of the cave! says:
hahaah..... no

happy happy joy joy says:
my team mate made it up!

happy happy joy joy says:
it has to be sung to the nelly furtado i'm like a bird song

stepping out of the cave! says:
uh huh

happy happy joy joy says:
do you know it?

happy happy joy joy says:
i'm like a worm

happy happy joy joy says:
i wiggle and i squirm

happy happy joy joy says:
i dont know where my head is

happy happy joy joy says:
maybe thats where my butt is

happy happy joy joy says:
hahahhaahahaah sooooooo funny right!

stepping out of the cave! says:
hahahahaha.....

stepping out of the cave! says:
u r nuts.... I think it will be funnier if u sing it for me next time

How blur can I get!!!!

2005-04-20T15:58:00.000+08:00

realise that I'm getting older... memory wise...
I've been on 3 days study leave. Today I make my way to the driving school for my driving lesson... it was a hot wed afternoon and I decided to take a cab down.... Was initially pretty please with myself cos driving lesson on a weekday afternoon is much cheaper than the weekends and nights that I've been paying for... But when I reach there... I realise that I didnt book the lessson!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGRRRRHHHHHHHHHHH..... How blur can I get... so I made my way back home... wasted my money on the cab and wasted my time which I'm suppose to spend on my assignment!! hai....
Anyway, going for Sound of Music later... hope its good... then at least it will cheer me up abit !

Blur Queen

2005-04-11T23:41:00.000+08:00

Thanks for all the encouraging words!! I guess all of us are gifted in one way or another.

Anyway, I had wanted to blog about this last week but 4got.... last friday a very stupid thing happen to me. In the morning when I left for work... I suddenly felt very uneasy as I tot that I forgot to switch of the iron... I was totally paranoid and started asking everyone in office if they had ever done that b4 (forgot to switch off the iron and let it lie flat on the cloth).... I was imagining how it will burn down my house and all that! So I prayed ... and prayed... prayed tat God will somehow switch off the switch for me.. when I shared this with my colleague and ask him to pray for me too.. he said that I shld pray more realistically..... like pray that my Dad will come home in the middle of the day and realise it in time b4 it burn down my house,.... But I tot there's nothing wrong in asking God to switch off for me wat..

Anyway, after my mtg in the morning.. I decided to take a cab back to check.... ( not like its gonna help cos' its been 4 hrs since I left home !) but I went anyway..... I was initially hoping that I'll just quietly go home and check and not alarm anybody cos my parents will definitely scream if they were to find out abt this... anyway, to my horror... when I reach my home .................. my mum was on her way back too (she knocked off early that day!) I was praying hard that nothing happen at home when I open the door..... And Thank God!!! the iron was switched off :D hehehehe...... so blur of me rite!! In the end I spent abt $15 on cab fare just to check on my iron.....

Now I'm more careful after I iron my clothes... heheheh..........

Thanksgiving

2005-04-09T12:41:00.000+08:00

Been wanting to blog early this week.. but was too distracted. so could only do it now. anyway, I did quite well for my assignment :O) Got distinction!! am really pleasantly surprise! I still remembered that when I was doing the assignment, things had been really tough cos I was rushing the proposal. And the assignment was not my pirority. I was just doing it for the sake of submitting it. So I really didnt expect to do so well! (anyway, I hv one more assignment to go b4 I get the final result for this module) am also very glad that the proposal that was submitted to my bosses was well received and they thought that it was well written :O) Its this kind of recognition that helps me to press on I guess.

Truthfully speaking, when I first recieved my results.... my immediate tot was.... "Wow, am I so good?!! its not like I put extra effort into it.... and its not that I was working extra hard to score top... and I did well despite the fact that I was stress and busy with other stuff. and also, I did it again! (I did quite well for my 1st module also) " I was very please with myself.... yes MYSELF... and PRIDE slowly creep in. BUT as I set there.... it suddenly dorn upon me that GOD was the one who had made this possible!! throughout my entire life... GOD was the one who had saw me through all my studies, exams and assignment. and REALLY I cldnt hv done it without HIM... even if I'm really gd at writing and psychology... I know for sure that GOD was the one who bless me with this gift! I'm really grateful for that. and I want to glorify Him with all that had happened. I'm really Thankful for that.

I know that things doesnt happen by chance... and with all these things happening and all the blessings from God... I start to wonder to myself "wat does God hv in store for me" "wat meaning can I get out of all these" "is God telling me something" "is he trying to show me something"

I've been thinking lately whether to further my studies... whether to continue with the Masters in Applied Psychology or Social Work or Public Policies. I also wonder to myself whether is counselling really my forte.... yah.. I may hv done well in my studies in this area... but am I really helping ppl with my counselling? or is all I have .. jus head knowledge.. and I jus hv a knack for writting but not in practice..... I dono.... I jus tot if I go into Social work and public policy then maybe I'll be able to impact/help more ppl in the area setting up structure and policies for them.... But is God trying to tell me to continue with psychology by blessing me with the good results? I really dono....God pls show me and tell me.... I wanna do your will.... I wanna do wat u hv planned for me... If only u show me the way... isit cos I've not open my heart and ears to hear from u?...

Pls pray tgt with me that I'll be able to hear from God .....

Wanna also share abt a lesson that God tot me in Numbers... God had been really good..... In the beginning of the mth I've been really xian.... and not motivated to do QT and all... and the tot of reading numbers is jus not very appealing to me... so I prayed that God will reveal to me new things through my QT despite the fact that I'm doing Numbers :P and sure enough.. He did..was just reading abt God sending the spies to the land of canaan to inspect the land... they came back with news of giants and was totally terrified.... they quickly chicken out eventhough God assured them victory and the promise land.... As a result, God punished them by sending them into the wilderness for 40 years. but in fact if they had trusted in the promise of God and move on in faith... God would hv bless them with the promise land there and then... Was just reflecting .... giants..... what are the giants in my life that had stopped me from claiming the promises of God? all the doubts and disbelieving.....hai..... why are we sometime so stupid as to go through life in fear when the only thing we need to do is to claim upon God's promises and hv faith...

FAITH....

the return of the lazy P** ......

2005-04-03T00:24:00.000+08:00

Oops.... u r rite rach... I'm indeed lazy.. been not blogging for more than 2 wks now.. I almost forgot my userid and password!! :P

anyway, the past weeks how been really bz.. work and stuff... plus Joy's wedding and CG outing and more work... well, I'm glad its over now... at least it seems this way.... just submitted my proposal on wed to the top... It felt as if I was submitting my thesis.. a great sense of relieve and accomplishment cos of the hard work and late nites I put in...well.. initially I was still quite concern that my big bosses will not like it or it was a lousy paper... but thank God! my ADs said that it was a well written paper and they have not much comments ... so it was sent up to my director the next day!!!! *grin*... am really glad.. cos initially I tot I need to go meet them up and explain the paper to them... or justify my recommendations or they would hv tons of objection or comments... but it turns out fine :) Thank God

As I look back this had been a really good learning experience.... had really learned alot from this.. and I'm surprise at the amount of things I had to cope and yet survived. Really thank God for the opportunity...

well, I'm not sure wat's up next for me in regards to the project... will probably need to make a presentation to my director and may even need to write the implementation paper.... which is gonna be another round of madness.... but I'm glad that God will be there for me and beside me as I go through this.... and I'm just really eager to learn more in this area of policy making and stuff.... well..... I'll just have to trust God and put my future in his hands ...

been a relaxing weekend without work being brought home :D.... very long never feel this way... I even manage to sleep until 10am today.... cld hv been longer if not for a phone call... (u know who u r!!!) :) anyway, thank God for the rest :)

Something's missing

2005-03-17T23:19:00.000+08:00

My Grandma passed away. It was Tuesday, 15 Mar 05 @ 1240 noon. She was 91. It was quite a surprise for me cos we all thought that she's healthy and will hav a few more years to go... But things didnt turn out that way. She's not a Christian. .... .... n I dont know where is she right now. Or maybe I know. But I dont wanna think abt it......................... I just dont wanna go to that part of my awareness....... I dont wanna think about it.

Time and again, my mum had tried to share the gospel with her but she jus turn a deaf ear. I believe deep inside her, she wants to go and find my grandpa after she passed away.

She's been staying with us for the past 2 years. But sometimes I really wonder if she's really happy. She like her hometown better and her grandchildren and other relatives there better cos they are more familiar to her.. Singapore is a whole new environment for her. And she's far away from things that she's familiar with. For the pass 2 years her memory had deteriorated and had become dementic. Sometimes it can get really frustrating for her and my family, esp. my mum since she's the main caregiver. I trully admire my mum. She's a really good daughter in law to my grandma. Taking care of her in everyway even when she became dementic. Well at least, my Dad said openly infront of us today that he really appreciate my mum for putting my grandma above herself. She is indeed a good testimony to my Dad and my other non-beliving relatives.

My grandma, actually passed away on my mum's arms. I think God had been really good to her and my family. Thank God that my grandma passed away when my mum was at home cos its the school holidays, else nobody will know that she passed away until my mum return from work. Thank God that my brother had not left for italy, else he will miss sending my grandma off and my relatives will be very unhappy. Thank God that we were able to hav a christian funeral although my grandma is not a christian and my relatives did not object.
And Thank God tat my grandma passed away peacefully with no pain..................

I dono...... I was feeling ok for the pass few days.. I cried when I saw her dead when I went home... but after that .. I guess.. I manage to cope with it quite well. I think everyone who visited me must hv felt that I'm ok... but I'm crying now..... I think it finally sets in.... I wonder where is she right now... and I hope she's fine....

stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed

2005-03-03T23:17:00.000+08:00

Well, I'm stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed and abit disappointed with myself... yup.... that's quite a string of negative emotions... anyway, basically.... I'm very busy and hv very little time and I'm abit stretch... But I dont really wanna talk abt it cos I realise that most of my blogs are talking abt negative stuff. and also.. I hv no time to talk abt it here.... got to go back to work now.. although my eyes are super tired and my brain is abit dead ...

An invisible singlet.... :(

2005-02-22T23:37:00.000+08:00

hai...... I'm filled with regret now... remember the tree top walk I went on sat?... hai... as a result of that, I now have sun burns on my shoulders :( aaaahhhhh........ Initially, I was quite fine with it. Tot it makes me look sporty with a bit of tan!!! so I didnt put on any sunblock. BUT now, I'm really filled with regret.. its so ugly lah... I look like I'm wearing an invisible singlet! How am I gonna wear speghetti stripes for the next few weeks or months? ahh....... and Joy's wedding is in 3 wks time... how? it will look so ugly with my dress urgh...... Need some urgent beauty advice. HELP!!

I can drive!! (in the circuit)

2005-02-20T23:40:00.000+08:00

hahah... yupz! I can drive... but in the circuit only :) today is my very first driving lesson! I was initially quite reluctant to go for it cos I felt that its abit waste of time... partly cos I hv lotsa work to do. But it turns out quite fun! but also frustrating cos I'm still not too familar with the control! Nevertheless, my instructor said that I did quite well for a first timer :) So Evelyn and James! watch out! its gonna be tough beating me on this! hahah... well then again, its too early to say! I can be quite a retard with my motor skills.

Anyway, I'm so proud of myself!! I just sent an email to my china fren in CHINESE!! yes in Chinese!!! WOW! I manage to figure out how to do the chinese typing through XP on my own and manage to type a half page email! not bad huh!! I deserve a pat on my back :P hahaha... I've been corresponding with them in English actually, but it turns out that some of them had difficulties understanding my email.... oh well.. guess I need to accomodate to them and put in more effort to polish up my chinese.

The past week had been quite hectic! That's why I didnt manage to blog anything..... I was quite overwhelmed with work and becoming abit stressed out.... Guess most of you had heard me complain about my work and stuff.... yupz its the proposal tat's giving me some headache.... and its due end of the month! die.... there's so many different things to consider and look into.... legislation, standing orders, treatment, counselling, community resources, regulations, trends and statistics, etc... Plus, I have a very meticulous and detailed boss to report too.... hai... God pls help me.... Its not that I dont like wat I'm doing, its in fact very challenging and interesting. But I just hope that I have the resources to make my job easier. On top of this, I still need to juggle with my current responsiblities..and not forgetting the assignment that is due in 2 weeks time! Die...... sometimes I feel like I'm running around like a headless chicken. No time to sit down to think and reflect. and even if I hv time, its spent on staring into the computer. God pls, help me.

I actually brought back quite alot of work to do over the weekend. But it ended up that my schedule is so packed that I only managed to do it this evening... oh well.. no regrets, cos I had quite a good weekend, although half the time I was thinking abt my work and worrying over it. I even had difficulties sleeping. I'll wake up and start thinking abt work. I know this is a sign that I'm stress.

anyway, although things seems pretty depressing, I did manage to find time to go for a 10 Km walk at Mac Ritchie reservior with my colleagues and visit the tree top walk :) Quite proud of myself for being able to complete it without complains and also with not much problem. Its nice to go back to nature and enjoy the scenery, the trees and the "jungle" walk :) away from urbanisation!! the highlight of the day was actually a live demonstration of a snake eating a lizard! quite interesting and we were all facinated by it. It kinda compensated for the not so interesting tree top walk. hahaha... Well, although now I have sun burns on my shoulders and muscle aches on my legs... I'm glad that I went for it ... time out from the stress of urban living and return to nature :)

alright... another week is about to start.. hope I'll survive victoriously!

Accident!

2005-02-09T23:23:00.000+08:00

Today is the 1st day of cny.. yup! But it was quite a boring day for me. Didnt go for any visitation. So I just stayed at home the whole day and watch VCD and TV. well, it was quite relaxing I guess.. Its been a long time since I stayed at home the whole day and not go anywhere. Just relaxing and not rush :) quite enjoy it actually.

Unfortunately, something bad happened. Just now at around 5pm.. My brother got into an accident at the PIE. About 5-6 cars actually clash into one another. and my brother's car was the 2nd car. He was actually able to stop in time not to hit the car infront of him but unfortunately, the Volvo behind him ram into his car and it triggered a chain of collision. My brother's car was quite badly hit.. but fortunately no one was hurt. The volvo obviously, was less fragile and survived with little damage. But my brother's 2 mths old car had to be nursed in the "hospital" for 2 weeks (I've not even seen his brand new car yet!!). By the time he reached my house, he was visibly affected... think he literally felt the heartache... well I hope he will get over it soon. At least he dont need to pay anything cos its covered by insurance.

Actually, when I 1st heard the news from my Dad when he called home, I was not exactly very anxious. Something in me just tells me that my brother and SIL are fine. My mother on the other hand was freaked out. Couldnt even sit still. She had always been worried for my brother since he bought the new car. About 7 yrs ago, my brother actually got into another accident. He ram into a tree and the car was gone. Thank God, he was unhurt at that time. Because of that accident, we have always been concerned for him since he started driving again. And somehow, I'm not that surprise that he got into another accident.

Well, really need to thank God for protecting him and my SIL once again and also for my family who is supportive towards him.

What a way to start the 1st day of CNY!

Its in good hands

2005-02-07T22:15:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow is cny eve... but guess wat? ALthough I get to work for only half day, I was asked to make a presentation to all my big bosses. Yup... its to present the proposal I was telling all of u abt. Wat a way to celebrate the holiday season! well... nevermind, strangely, I'm not very anxious about it. I am abit concerned but not stressed or anything. well, I believe God is the one who had granted me peace. I just hope that they will not shoot me down with questions I can't answer.... Whatever, it is... I'm leaving it to God. And I believe He will be with me in the meeting room.

Today is a busy day. But my unit managed to find time to go out for a cny lunch. It was good food and good company :) HOwever, had to rush back office to finish up all my work...

I had a good time travelling home today. For some strange reason, I was able to admire the scenery on the road and appreciate God's creation. It was quite peaceful and serene. Things that I had neglected and taken for granted in the past suddenly became quite beautiful and I just marvelled at God's creation. The clouds and sunset was really beautiful... the colours and shades of sunset. WOW. I just wondered to myself... how can anyone think that there is no God... If there's no God, then who could have created all these things? The walk home from the bus stop was just as good! The gentle breeze blowing on my hair as I swing my bag home....... Its good to appreciate such things in life and learn to let go and let God! :)

He will decide..

2005-02-05T10:54:00.000+08:00

How often do we meet with dilemmas? Well, I think we are not strangers to it. Since the beginning of this week, I've been caught in a dilemma. I have to decide whether to take on a new project or remain in my current work which I had actually just started in Nov or to take on a new project which I had put up a proposal for last yr. It's quite a tough decision for me initially cos' I quite like the ppl I'm working with right now and the work can be quite interesting although at times it can be tough. Furthermore, I've been on my current project for the past 2 yrs plus. I definitely hav an attachment to it and have the desire to see my work materialise. However, the new project also seems to be a good opportunity and good learning experience. Although, I'm unsure about the ppl I'm gonna work with...
After some thought, I decided to stay put.. although I did wonder to myself if I'm chickening out and not willing to take challenges.... well, I do have my reasons (ask me personally if u wanna find out).
Although, I've made my decision, I also understand tat it may ultimately not be up to me to decide.. The big bosses has the final say.
But to me, my BIG boss is God. I had committed it into His hands and I strongly believe that he knows what's best for me even though I may not be able to understand or see it now. I've learned not to be over concerned about it but to just commit to God in prayer. I know that he knows wat's best and even if its gonna be tough for me. I know He will see me through and help me to overcome it.

Jer 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

The responsiblity of an adult.....

2005-02-02T01:57:00.000+08:00

I'm starting to have feelings of aversion towards work..... Can't exactly pinpoint why... but I guess it could be cos of the different issues/things I need to handle... continous flow of issues and problems... the need to think on my toes all the time... the politics... the competition (not so much the indiv competition but more so the group).... the pressure to perform.... discouraging incidents/ encounters..... lack of understanding from others... different working styles....well maybe abit of all that..
I remembered not so long ago... I actually was very motivated at work! I even look fwd to going to office each day... I felt challenged and I was motivated to do my best in the projects I was involved in... and the meaning I get out of working with my clients.... I felt intellectually stimulated and I was happy and fulfilled ....
But it seems now adays... this kind of feelings is slowly deminishing....(esp. after I came back from China) maybe its cos I'm doing things cos it needs to be done... or cos someone asked me to do it.... But not cos' I want to.... maybe cos' I fail to see meaning in the work I do ... at least for now.
well.... I hope I'll be able to rekindle that passion I once had... hopefully things will be better after I start seeing clients again... (fYI: I'm doing staff/policy work for the past 2-3mths.....) well.... but seriously .... wat's the meaning in all this .. I think I need to sit down and put more tots into this .. else I dont think I can survive long
ok... I may not make sense in this posting... cos its 139am now and I'm probably just babbling away...

You will never be old enough....

2005-01-30T22:20:00.000+08:00

Am I old? Although, I've been rejecting the fact that I'm not exactly very young, there are times whereby I do enjoy being my age. It brings with it some benefits.... eg. financial independence, no more school (although i'm not exactly sure if that's really a benefit.... I miss school), no restrictions to the kind of movie I watch, can buy wat I want... when I want, can go holidays with my own money and not forgetting the most important..... FREEDOM!! I get to go out as and when I want... and whoever I want to go out with, I get to stay out late.... and hang out with my friends until late at night.... no curfew!! In a sense I've been enjoying this kind of freedom for the past 2-3 yrs... But its until today then I realise all is not what it seems.

I could hardly recall the last time when I had to rush home cos of a curfew. For a long while, I didnt even need to call home when I stay out past midnight cos my parents are already fast asleep..... this had been the case for the past 2-3yrs.. and I took it as a sign that my parents had faith in me and believe that I've grown up and is responsible for my own actions and thus no longer worry so much about me.

BUT..... today I had a quarrel with my mum cos of this. Yesterday I went out for a movie with James and Cynthia and we kindof hang out at coffee club until 2am.... my mum got my sis to call me at around 1am and she sounded very angry. I was very surprise to receive a call from home cos it usu doesnt happen that way...well... I didnt really think much abt it and only said that I'll be back late.... all was well when I came home at 2am and everyone was sound asleep as I expected. BUT this afternoon, when my mum finally saw me she scolded me for not calling home *puzzling*. I argued with her cos I tot that I was never expected to call home anyway... cos I've came home late b4 and she didnt qn me then.. I really tot it was unfair of her to pick on me like that....cos I didnt know I was expected to do so..... anyway, after a few firing darts shoot here and there... we both got tired and ignore one another for a while.

I was still abit angry.... but as I set down and think about it ..... I realise I was partly at fault. I guess as a mother she will always be worried for her children no matter how old they are. In fact I should be thankful that there is someone out there who is concern about me and my whereabout. I guess it was quite irresponsible of me not to inform anybody at home.....

That brings me to the movie I watched yesterday.... its called "Nobody knows" its kindof a dark movie about 4 young japanese children who was left on their own to fend for themselves cos their mother had left them to seek her own happiness. the eldest child was only 12 yrs old... to cut the story short..... the youngest kid (probably abt 4 yrs old) died after falling off a stool. she was just left there to die cos her siblings didnt know wat to do with her and didnt want to report to the police for fear of being seperated. The eldest brother eventually put her in a suitcase and burried her with his bare hands somewhere near the airport..... and nobody knows..... nobody knows that a living human being had just left the face of the earth.... it was really sad.....

So in retrospect, I'm thankful that I'm not left on my own defences and I'm really thankful that I have loving family members who are concern and care for me. Especially, my mum..... she had dedicated her life to the family and brought the 3 of us up with so much love and care and now she even have to take care of my dementic grandma. And truthfully speaking.... I feel shameful for quarreling with her over something that I've done wrong.

I'm sorry mum..... Thank you once again.

In the beginning............

2005-01-29T13:09:00.000+08:00

Indeed, this is the begining..... suddenly felt like expressing myself on a blog cos I tot its a good way to vent some frustration and also some good feelings.. when it happens.... some sort of catharsis for me I guess...

I had initially wanted to go to work today...... but decided not to cos its such a sad life to go back office on a saturday. have lotsa work to do though. feeling abit stress.... just abit. been told to do a presentation on mon afternoon at the last min. The thing is, I was only told yesterday evening during the work function. Don't hav much time to prepare cos' mon morning I got a training to conduct. Had wanted to go back office today to do something about it. But both the spirit and the flesh are unwilling... so I guess I'll just have to try and remember what I've written in the proposal (that was done last Oct I think.......). Well..

I have mix feelings about the weekend that's here.... brought back tons of stuff to read. Had to prepare for presentation during the training and read up alot of things... hai.... sad life..

Yet, I refuse to let all this obstruct my desire to lead a healthy social life! I still go to church for mission training at 2pm later.. go for YM.. go for CG and go for movie later at 930pm (Japanese movie called "Nobody Knows"). Guess I'll probably, be very tired after that but I guess doing some non-work related stuff will distract me from the misery. Plus, i think by choosing things that I want to do will help to make my life more balance... if u know what I mean...

ok that's all..... will share with you about how God spoke to me about the mission trip at the end of this year, some other time.